Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Love Me, Love My Appliances.

This COULD be his first test....

Thanks to all of you who responded to my post, “Flood” in which I bemoaned the fact that I do not have someone in my life who lives with me and cares about my appliances as much as I do.

Relationships when we are young involve an important ritual that is, in general, lacking in relationships started later in life. 

When you are young and just starting to build a household, you most often start off with little or nothing.  Together you go in, and pick out an appliance or a piece of furniture.  Together you save your money, make those payments together, pay off the appliance or furniture and then, together, you celebrate what you have accomplished, high-fiving each other over a bag of burgers and fries shared in the front seat of a car that is yet to be paid off. 

That kind of working toward a goal is hard work and requires sacrifice, but when it’s between two people who are in love and share the same goals, it can act as a kind of super glue for the relationship.

Relationships that start in the 40’s and 50’s usually don’t entail that kind of goal setting.  In fact, there are probably duplicate appliances and furniture involved and so it comes down to winnowing away the ones that are older or less loved.

I purchased all new appliances this summer and despite my refrigerator leaking and the tube from the washing machine coming out of the wall, I am quite proud of all of them and am betting that they remain in my life for a long time.  

However, what if I get married again in the future?  My mate will have had nothing to do with the acquisition of these appliances.  He will not be invested in them.  

They will be, at best, step-appliances.  

Will that give me the kind of partnership I am looking for?  How can I be sure?

Thinking ahead for any possible hypothetical scenario, I present to you the hypothetical vows I intend to have my hypothetical beloved state during our hypothetical wedding ceremony:

I, (incredibly handsome, generous, kind, good-natured man), take your appliances, Betty, to be my very own.  

I promise to have and to hold the manuals in a file cabinet for easy access and later reference.  

I promise to clean all surfaces with Betty-approved non-abrasive cleaners. 

I hereby pledge to be concerned and ever vigilant about weak dishwasher hoses, clogged waterlines, and low water pressure.  

I promise never to place fruit pits or grease in the Badger 2000 disposal and to immediately retrieve spoons from the p-trap despite murky and gross conditions therein. 

Your lint trap is my lint trap and shall be cleaned vigorously on a regular basis.

I will cherish the little digital clock on the oven, forsaking all other digital readouts, no matter how flashy they may be.  

I will have, but never hold up the spinning glass tray in the microwave by putting too big of a plate upon it.  

I will be defend and protect the oven in both preheat mode and that crazy high degree self-cleaning mode.  

And, I solemnly promise to stand beside you and love you as you flatten your ear against the freezer door and ask over and over again, "Does that sound right to you?  Do you hear that rattling?  I hear a death rattle.  Does that sound right to you?"

I will care for and be concerned about your appliances, taking them as my own and forsaking all others.

In the name of Amana, Kenmore and Maytag, I hereby pledge my commitment to you and to your appliances.  This shall be an unlimited lifetime warranty without condition nor limitations.   

Until death us do part, Baby.  Until death us do part.  

(High Five!!!)


Unknown said...

Never thought about this being an issue before. BUT I couldn't help but notice you're not faithful to one brand of appliance. So there must be some insight to that too.

Cranberry Morning said...

Love it!! :-) Definitely needs to be part of the ceremony where step-appliances are concerned.

Olga said...

Your mind works in mysterious ways.

Leah J. Utas said...

Ha! LOL! Good one, Betty.

Alexandra said...

Yes, and I never thought of that. BUT the shared love of our washer and dryer. They are personal items to us. xo

Tabor said...

Once you get that signed, tuck it away somewhere safe!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You are serious about your appliances, aren't you?

Out on the prairie said...

Tough to draw a line, was it your charm or the great washer and dryer I already have.LOL

Sueann said...

Good to know where you stand!! Ha

Alison said...

I'm thinking an adoption certificate might be in order, too. Just to formalize the legal responsibilities for those $30 replacement filters and name-brand dishwasher tablets.

YrHmblHst said...

Step appliances... I've said it before and it still rings true, Girl, you can write. The fact that there is no Pulitzer on your office wall proves, without a doubt, that there is no justice in this world.
Fantastic and hilarious post. With a lot of truth thrown in.

Ann said...

oh how I wish I would have read this before I got married again.

Phyllis E said...

Does the pledge also extend to furniture, rugs, vacuum cleaner ...........?

Had me smiling from the first vow.

Pat Tillett said...

This is a classic Betty! One time we let one our girls and her husband live with us for a while. My son-in-law trashed our beautiful stainless fridge by cleaning the front of it with the scrubbing side of a sponge. OH MAN! I wish I had created an appliance contract when that happened.

Gigi said...

It goes without saying that there are vows for the furniture, etc. too - I solemnly swear that I will always use a coaster....etc.

Absolutely LOVED this.

faye said...

now why does this make me think of that old Stevie Wonder song..

Oo baby, here I am, signed Sealed delivered, I'm yours.

Ms. A said...

If I EVER decided to be in another committed relationship, my partner would have to agree to love my stuff without condition, or the deal would be off.

Anne Gallagher said...

Love this. You are just too funny.

Ami said...

Oh my shriveled old heart just melted. Such a lovely relationship you have with your washer etc!!


Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

When you reach senior years and get the latest fancy aplliances you'll need a smart kid to help you get them to work. My new gas stove is so complicated if the clock is not set baking is out!
Maybe a partner who is tech savy as a senior is another option but my hubby would not be pleased. lol
Funny ideas you have

Baby Sister said...

Lol. This is awesome. I should totally have Hubby sign this!!