Sometimes it still boggles my mind that the man I spent thirty years in a marriage with lives just a town away and I have no communication with him.
So many of our years were good ones. We shared so many adventures, so many of life’s monumental moments. We both shared and continue to share the deep and abiding love of our sons.
For a long time I wanted to have some sort of communication with him, but he made it very, very clear early on that I would have no part whatsoever in his new life. In his eyes, I do not exist.
At first this upset me, and I fought against it. It was a complete and utter amputation and it hurt. It felt like a negation of all I had been, like I had never mattered.
Do I miss having someone with whom to share the narrative of our years together? Sure.
Only he and I know how it felt to travel across the country in a 1969 Buick and start our married life in California, how it felt to welcome our sons into the world, the joy we felt when we bought our house together, how we laughed at the dinner table one time until it hurt and we both had to leave the room. Only he and I know all those hundreds of stories surrounding our sons. We had shortcuts in language that no one else understood.
Ah, yes, in some ways it would be nice to have that connection only shared by those who travel for years and years together. However, when I think about sharing those memories it is with the man I used to know.
And I think he might be gone forever.
This healing process is a long and fascinating one and I have been changed by it. I used to be so bent on getting answers, finding resolutions, being in control.
However, I have come to understand things happen for a reason. I don’t know exactly why it is that some higher power has deemed it to be best that we have no contact, but I now have no doubt that this higher power is working for my benefit.
I am totally convinced that it really is for the best. Who knows why? Who cares?
All I know is that at this point in my life I am content.
I am happy.
I feel like I have been set free.