Tuesday, March 5, 2013

At Peace With Unsolved Mysteries

Sometimes it still boggles my mind that the man I spent thirty years in a marriage with lives just a town away and I have no communication with him.  

So many of our years were good ones.  We shared so many adventures, so many of life’s monumental moments. We both shared and continue to share the deep and abiding love of our sons. 

For a long time I wanted to have some sort of communication with him, but he made it very, very clear early on that I would have no part whatsoever in his new life.  In his eyes, I do not exist.  

At first this upset me, and I fought against it.  It was a complete and utter amputation and it hurt. It felt like a negation of all I had been, like I had never mattered.

Do I miss having someone with whom to share the narrative of our years together?  Sure.  

Only he and I know how it felt to travel across the country in a 1969 Buick and start our married life in California, how it felt to welcome our sons into the world, the joy we felt when we bought our house together, how we laughed at the dinner table one time until it hurt and we both had to leave the room.  Only he and I know all those hundreds of stories surrounding our sons. We had shortcuts in language that no one else understood.  

Ah, yes, in some ways it would be nice to have that connection only shared by those who travel for years and years together.  However, when I think about sharing those memories it is with the man I used to know. 

And I think he might be gone forever.

This healing process is a long and fascinating one and I have been changed by it.  I used to be so bent on getting answers, finding resolutions, being in control.  

However, I have come to understand things happen for a reason.  I don’t know exactly why it is that some higher power has deemed it to be best that we have no contact, but I now have no doubt that this higher power is working for my benefit.  

I am totally convinced that it really is for the best.  Who knows why?  Who cares?  

All I know is that at this point in my life I am content.

I am happy.  

I feel like I have been set free. 


Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Dear Betty - what a lovely post - pragmatic, practical, full of longing, yet full of the future .. I understand your 'knowing' that what is meant to be is meant to be ..

Wishing you joy and happiness with this new life ... Hilary

Shelly said...

Sometimes the WHY question is the killer. That you've made peace with it and navigated your way through it is a major step forward. So glad to read your last lines~

ellen abbott said...

We can't always know why. I've tormented myself on more than one occasion trying to understand the 'why'. letting go and accepting, moving forward is always best even though it is sometimes hard. and that's the ultimate why, I guess. To cause forward movement and growth. set free. yes. glad to hear it.

Catherine said...

It's hard to understand that disconnect after all those years isn't it? We can't always see the reason why things happen but I guess there is a reason!

And contentment is a beautiful thing my friend.

xo Catherine

Cranberry Morning said...

It would be hard to let go of such a long, shared history. But you are right in that these things are there for a purpose in our lives and will make us stronger. God has a purpose, and doesn't always let us know what it is. That's where we trust and become content, as you are doing.

Olga said...

You have reached a place of wisdom.

Leah J. Utas said...

Betty, this is wonderful. I am so happy for you. And thank you so much for allowing us into your life this way.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sometimes there aren't answers. We just have to find our peace.

Hilary said...

It makes me happy to know that you are more than content. You're exactly where you need to be right now.

Old Kitty said...

Lovely BB! You have the best attitude to the enigma that was your husband wrapped in a riddle. Or something! Best to step away, step aside and step forward with head held high! Take care

Alison said...

Sounds like what they always tell you about the best way to rip off a bandaid. Get it over with, even if the pain is momentarily harsh. Go ahead, air out that wound and let people know what you've suffered! Most importantly today, who wants a nasty ol' used bandaid hanging around?

Empty Nester said...

Well, I'm happy for you. But I have questions for him. And a few comments as well. :) He probably just realized that you're way too good for him. And too smart for him. And too nice for him. Does he think you won't be at your sons' weddings? Graduations? The birth of grandchildren? Men. Sheesh. Love you Betty!

Connie said...

There are some things we never will understand. Perhaps it is better that way. I am glad to hear that you are happy and content. You've been through an awful lot.

My Mind's Eye said...

I cannot imagine what caused him to
feel this way. He has to live with the decision.

Good for you my sweet and brave friend to find peace. As I've aged, I have discovered if I cannot fix a situation...I have to let it go.

Hugs to you and Kia, Mabel and Zelda
Madi and Mom

Unknown said...

I never understood people who want to live in the past.
Glad to read you're in the present and happy.

Gigi said...

So happy to hear that you are at peace, content and happy.

Sometimes ours is not to know the reason why.

Sending you hugs.

jenny_o said...

And that is a powerful - and empowering - feeling. So glad you have it.

Ann said...

and it's a wonderful feeling isn't it

faye said...

It really does take time..... but later on I think the realization hits that maybe moving on alone is best. It never
seems that way in the beginning... too
many tears and heartache to endure, but then when you feel the peace in your heart it is a beautiful thing.

Brian said...

Well, as we say in the South, ya done good girl, thinks are fixin' to get better from here on.

Lin said...

That is so weird. But who can figure people out? Sometimes its just best to figure yourself out and what you can do for YOU. I think you have mastered that well---at least from what we see here.

Someday, you may learn why he did things the way he did...and by then you won't care anymore. It's his loss, Betty.

Sending you a big hug, my friend.

Chuck said...

Betty, you have amazing strength. That's all I need to know.

Out on the prairie said...

It only gets better

Shan said...

This post has been a long time in the making.


Anne Gallagher said...

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Leslie said...

I can't even imagine what it is like to be dumped like that after so many years of marriage. Your divorce story for some reason has really captivated me and I've tried reading all your thoughts on the subject, but I can't figure out what he told you his reason were for leaving you. You make it sound like he just didn't love you anymore and wanted out and up and left. Is that how it went? Did he really give you no in depth explanation? Or maybe of course you just don't want to write about it, because of your sons - which I understand - but it leaves me wondering how a man could do that to a wife without some significant big time reasons.
Anyway, nice post and you write so well.

CM said...

So sorry for your loss. That's really what it is and you have to allow yourself time to grieve. Who knows why he's acting that way. Sounds pretty immature.

My parents split when I was 3 and were civil with each other until my mom died when I was 14. My stepmom didn't like my mom so contact was pretty short and to the point, always just about me.

I guess the only thing I can suggest is to allow yourself a set amount of time to grieve, then tell yourself at that point to move forward and focus on the future, not the past. Maybe some day he might realize all he lost and at least act more normal, but that may never happen and you can't hold on to that hope. Like you said, you are set free now to create whatever future you want for yourself. I'm not sure if you are a Christian or not, and I certainly don't want to push my beliefs on anyone, but I believe Jesus is always here for us willing to hear our heartaches and sorrows. The bible says he will wash away all our tears and believe me, I've shed many tears praying for him to lift my burdens over the years and He's always been there for me when no one else was.

Take care and keep posting such honest posts. I think it's healthy and good for you! :-)

My Mind's Eye said...

Hey BB
I used your term picture ya-yas today...I think you might have invented a new buzz word
Hugs C

Baby Sister said...

I'm sure that must feel wonderful, Betty. I'm so happy for you. :)

Heidrun Khokhar, KleinsteMotte said...

You surely must have been set free if you can recognize this. The control issue has melted into something new and special called letting go.