Thursday, January 3, 2013

Betty's Year in Review: Part One.


It’s time for Betty’s Year in Review, presented to you in four parts, and not all harmonic as we see here in Part Number One.






2012 was the year I got divorced. 

Believe it or not, it’s still a little hard for me to write the D word.

I was sure my marriage would last forever.  After all, had we not made a promise to remain true and faithful to one another “until death do us part"?  

After he left, I discovered all the ways in which he had been preparing for his departure.   (Example: I thought he was cleaning up his home office. He had actually been packing it up.) As time went on, I discovered more things, more reasons why he left.  Pieces of the puzzle slowly revealed themselves. I felt so stupid.  I felt like the naive fourth grader who believes a cruel friend who tells her,  “I’ll be right back” and blindly waits in the classroom while the friend runs out to recess, laughing at how easy it was to dupe her. 

During this past year I have had to go back and comfort that little girl over and over.  She was blind, unquestioning, trusting and took any signs of affection and comfort (and there were many, part of the plan I suppose) as signs that all would be well.  

The face-saving part of me wishes I had been more suspicious, but I know that is just my ego trying to regain a sense of dignity. I can’t be the kind of person I want to be, I can’t be the mom, the teacher, the friend, the writer I want to be, if I let that part of the ego take over and color my world in shades of constant mistrust or suspicion. 

That kind of behavior is not in my nature nor do not want it to be.  Is it worth the chance that I’ll get duped again in my life?  I guess it has to be.  It’s a risk I’ll take to live my life the way I need to live it.


2012 was the year that one piece of paper came out of the printer, stark, black and white, with the signature of a judge who had never seen either of us, signifying that it was over.  It all came down to one piece of paper.  

Amazing.  

The simplicity of that paper and ink is situational irony at its greatest.  

I still struggle with being divorced.  

It is a mind-boggling thing to have your world shift the way mine did in 2011 and 2012, and I wish my inner work were done. (As I am sure some of you wish the same!  Get over it, Betty!)  

Believe me, I am an impatient person and I want so badly to stride into 2013 without the baggage of 2012, but I am finally getting it through my head that it does not work that way.  Yes, I do stride at times, and then I stumble, and I fall and sometimes I still crash, but I get up again and each time it gets easier.  

The fog is starting to lift and I am starting to see how I accepted things in my life that should not have been accepted.  

I am starting to see that I was being given scraps and leftovers when I deserved a full, rich meal.  

I am starting to claim for myself those dreams and ambitions that I gave up so many years go to fulfill someone else’s definition of success.  

Can you hear Betty roar, my people?  Can you?  

Oh, I think you can.



Tomorrow:  Betty’s Year in Review, Part Two.  





22 comments:

Daisy said...

Roar on, Betty. You are doing just fine. You've been through a horrible ordeal, but you've come through to the other side. I admire how well you have handled everything. I can't even imagine how I would react if the same thing happened to me. Hugs to you. :-)

Tabor said...

It appears that the lioness is back. Good year ahead.

ellen abbott said...

It will still take some time but eventually it will just be an event in the past. Much harder to grapple with when you've been cold-cocked like you were.

Leah J. Utas said...

I hear it.

Shelly said...

But it is that purity of your trusting soul that makes you who you are, that little girl that chooses to believe the best.

That you haven't allowed yourself to become bitter or jaded is a real testament to who you are. I think 2013 will be the year for you, girl. I'm rooting for you~

Olga said...

You ARE worthy of the life you want. You don't have to be bitter to be clear sighted. Roar on.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Time to find YOU again!

Out on the prairie said...

Time heals all, but the pain shall only return if you let it.

Ms. A said...

You have not let the circumstances of one aspect of your life, ruin the rest of your life. I know it takes time to heal, but think you are doing a beautiful job of it!

Deanna said...

You are an inspiration. Keep on keeping on.

Retired English Teacher said...

"The fog is starting to lift and I am starting to see how I accepted things in my life that should never have been accepted." Wow. You will heal better than most, Betty. You are doing the inner work to see how you can change as you go forward. Keep on claiming your own dreams and ambitions. You go girl. We are behind you.

Empty Nester said...

I'm not sick of hearing about anything you write about. You have been put through the ringer my friend, and come out with questions answered and more questions yet to be answered. You've also come out with a strength you probably never knew you had. And your ability to share your experience has touched more people than you will ever know. I think of you all the time and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. And I'm still going to be the first one to buy your first book!

Lin said...

Betty....my friend....nobody can see it coming when it is secret planning. Why? Because you trusted--which is key to any good relationship. See? It wasn't good--as much as you wanted it to be. Do NOT blame yourself for one miniscule moment. It was a secret move, one planned to hurt, and one planned to benefit ONE person only---himself. No need to hate...just accept that fact.

And now we move on...

You are incredibly brave and positive. Any one of us would have been mush. You, on the other hand, have been positive, upbeat, and a role model in every sense of the word. Sure you grieved--if you didn't, I would have worried about you.

2013 is gonna be GREAT for you because you dream it to be so. And we will be here, cheering you on and waiting to see your next adventure. You are....simply... Betty....our hero...our friend.

Happy New Year, my friend. Happy New Beginnings. :)

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

YOu are in inspiration. Roar on, Betty!!!!

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

YOu are in inspiration. Roar on, Betty!!!!

Gigi said...

I can hear that roar.

In the aftermath we can usually see what we were blind to before - that's the beauty/pain of hindsight. But once burned, we can't let mistrust become our guiding light because that will eventually mislead us too. Stick to being the honest, trusting person you are and you will be a happier you.

jenny_o said...

Loud and clear!

Don't forget, when you're filing away lessons learned, that hindsight is 20/20. If we all knew "then" what we know "afterward", we'd all be perfect! I find it amazing and generous of you to share your journey on your blog, because it will help others who in the same position. And you can be sure there are others.

BECKY said...

Hi Betty. I agree with everything Daisy said.....AND I can hear you roar!

Talli Roland said...

I can hear you roar all the way in London! Go Betty go!

Domestic Bella said...

Oh, yes. I can hear you roar!

Pat Tillett said...

I can hear it! I'm pretty darn impressed with how you handled the whole thing. At least the part we see. You are an awesome and amazing person and you just go right ahead and roar!

Baby Sister said...

I can hear it, it's a loud, beautiful roar. And I'm grateful that I was able to follow along this hard path you've taken this past year. Thank you for your example, again. :)