Mental U-Turn

Because this divorce was not my idea, (not to mention that it was quite a surprise) it took me some time to absorb the magnitude of the change of direction my life would be taking.

However, even once I understood what would be happening, I dragged my feet. I delayed in getting a lawyer. I hesitated with paperwork. I put off meetings.

Each request from HOB’s very ambitious and determined lawyer felt like an assault, and I reacted by crawling further into my shell, hiding from the storm of nightmarish activity. I bemoaned my circumstances. How did I get here? Why did this happen? What am I going to do now?

In short, I felt like a victim and I behaved like one.

And like all things that we avoid out of fear, the issues and problems grew inside my head and the worst case scenarios took over, threatening my nearly non-existent stability. When the phone rang, I got a knot in my stomach. I winced when I opened my e-mail, fearing another missive about the divorce. When I got the mail, I held my breath, praying there would not be more information about the split.

Then, one day a few weeks ago, I got sick of myself.

I don’t even know what made me change course, but I decided to take a mental U-turn right then and there. I decided from that moment on, I would not be a victim any longer. Instead, I would be an active participant in this whole thing. It’s clear it’s going to happen, so why not?

My mama didn’t raise me to be a victim.

The next day I got a request for my W-2 from HOB’s lawyer. Before, I would have been tearful, hesitant, resentful, and slow. Instead, I immediately made a copy and got it to my lawyer, smiling at the receptionist and wishing her a happy day.

As part of my mental U-turn, I thought it would be good to be able to say with vim and vigor, “I want this divorce.” Alone and in the isolation of my car, I forced myself to say it aloud one day. But honestly? It stuck in my throat. It was hard to say. This worried me at first, but then I realized that no one really wants to be divorced. I do wish my marriage would have lasted, but it didn’t. So, while I can’t shout that particular sentiment from the rooftops, I can gleefully and confidently say, “I want to get through this, so I can get on with the new, exciting life I know awaits me.”

These days, I still hesitate at the mailbox, phone, and before I open my e-mail, but now I use that time to take a deep breath and say to myself, “Whatever it is, I can handle it.” Though I know difficult issues are ahead, I've got enough of my mojo back to believe I can deal with what needs to be dealt with. (Sometimes I may not be too graceful about how I handle things, but that's OK too. I'm going for progress, not perfection.)

In short, it’s time to stand up and reclaim some of my power.

I am a smart, capable woman. I have friends who believe in me. I have sons who love me and are proud of me. I have a family who encircles me in love and supports me without end. Does that sound like a victim?

I don’t think so.

I think that sounds like a woman who has all the tools she needs to finish up one part of her life and who has a terrific foundation on which to build an even better one.

Thanks, Betty People for all your support and love!