Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Notes from the Road

You can learn a lot about yourself by taking a long road trip alone.

As most of you know, I recently spent seven hours on the highway.

Personally, I enjoy these sojourns and take them for the cheap self-knowledge seminars that they are.

Here are two things that I learned about myself:

I love Fig Newtons. Recently, ever the thrill-seeker, I discovered the unbelievable pleasure in breaking off the cakey sides and discarding them, leaving less newton, exposing more tender fig.

I thought, for the sake of convenience and cleanliness, I could forgo this action in the car, but I found, no matter how hard I tried, that I could not. Once you live on the edge and raise that ratio of newton to cookie there is NO going back.

Thus, there was a bit of a neatness issue in the car:




Travelin' Bonus from Betty:

Little known fact that I made up around Mile 213 of my trip: Fig Newtons and Pringles Potato Chips when eaten in tandem, in a car going exactly 75 miles per hour, have no calories.


Next discovery:

Since the sun was beating through the window most of the way, I began to fixate on my forearms that were being slowly baked like small hams.

As I barrelled down the highway, I slathered sunscreen on my arms thinking this would arrest the 40-50 years of accelerated aging that was occurring.

Yesterday, when I cleaned out the interior of my car, I discovered that, apparently, I flail about uncontrollably in my car as I drive.

I found sunscreen on my dashboard, the sides of my doors, the steering wheel, the gearshift, the ceiling, the windows, and, most disturbingly, the backs of my seats.

What in the world was I doing? Why? When?


I'll be back tomorrow with more insights gained from my seven hours of inhalation of exhaust.


See you then!




38 comments:

Old Kitty said...

I have no idea what fig newtons are but they sound delicious and I love that they kept you company!!!

At least you use sunscreen even if you flail them about a little! LOL!! Take care
x

Teresa Evangeline said...

Thank heavens you had the knowledge not to eat them alone, or alter your speed even a smidgen. I discovered a similar effect with peanut M&M's, my road vitamins.

Leah J. Utas said...

Excellent tips. I always wondered about the food to speed ratio.

Nancy @ A Rural Journal said...

I can't eat while driving. I can choke on a pea. And have, by the way.

Mary Ann said...

That picture in your blog title....I so wish I was there right now:) Thanks for the road tips. I like to nibble the cookie edge off my fig newtons and enjoy that first then I eat the middle next. It's like eating Oreo's....there are rools.

Sush said...

I am so glad I wasn't drinking anything while reading your post 'cause I'm sure I would have snorted it right out of my nose! Too funny...waiting anxiously for the continuation!

Hugs~

Susan in the Boonies said...

Obviously you have never heard of UFOAWDAASS:

Unaccountable Flailing of Appendages While Driving and Applying Sunscreen Syndrome.

Huh.

There's no accounting for that.

Out on the prairie said...

In my family we talk with or hands, perhaps you were doing the same, by yourself.

Nat said...

Is the flailing of appendages a subconscious method of ensuring that Fig Newtons and Pringles Potato Chips when eaten in tandem, in a car going exactly 75 miles per hour, have no calories... the flailing burns them up?
Otherwise known as car aerobics?

Eva Gallant said...

Excellent tips! Wish I'd had these back when I was working. I was on the road by myself most of the time!

Mamma has spoken said...

Can't comment at this moment, head out to start my new diet of eating while driving.

Madi and Mom said...

Hi BB not only do you have a talented brain your hands must be very talented also to accomplish the act of peeling off the outer cakes of the Fig Newtons at Mach speed,
Hugs Madi and Mom

blueviolet said...

Oh to be a fly on the door of your car!

GigglesandGuns said...

I have never in all these years (don't you dare ask) undressed a Fig Newton -- or paired it with a Pringle. Both are now on my shopping list, thank you.
I thought maybe you lathered up while driving with the window until you mentioned the back seat. Definitely want to hear your story about that one. :D

Linda said...

I didn't marry until I was 42, so I had lots of years to travel alone. And I did, including two driving trips from my home state of Indiana to California and back. My travel food of choice in those days included Pepsi; M&Ms; and Oreos, which must always be eaten only after separating the two parts of the sandwich cookie. Thanks for the smiles this morning.

Brian said...

Yer darn tootin about the newtons!

The Green Streak said...

Let's see: unpeeled fig newtons, Pringle's, slathering sunscreen . . . what a sight I'm seeing in my head! And chuckling at it, too. . . :-)

ethelmaepotter! said...

Oh yes, I know all about getting to the good stuff in the Fig Newton, but you're right, it does leave a mess. Take it from me - prepare your Newtons in advance next time.

And I don't see any crumbs from the Pringles...a much tidier food. apparently.

I think your theory should work...obviously, if one's body is moving at that speed, one must be burning calories. It's in the same category as "I reeaaallly want this piece of cake, but I'm passing it up, so my body should automatically LOSE the calories I would have gained from it." Right?

jenny_o said...

Did you find any sunscreen on your snacks? Oh wait, there were none left to check, were there? Whew - close call!

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

kudos for even cleaning your car.

Facing50.Blog said...

Hubby adores fig newtons although here they are called, unimaginatively, fig biscuits...in fact after I told him about this post he bought some-he's busy chomping his way through them as I type-crumbs all over the new camera he has bought.

Marg said...

I love this post. I used to love taking trips by myself and it really is such a good time to get some thinking done and you sure did discover some things about yourself. Glad you discovered that you lose calories by going fast. Hope you got the sunscreen under control. Take care.

Unknown Mami said...

Obviously, while you were living on the edge and upping your fig to newton ration you were flailing wildly. I'm so glad you didn't hurt yourself in the process.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You're messy in the car!

Annie said...

Your sun screen is out of control. Maybe it's the brand you use.Some may be more excitable than others.

Kristina said...

LOVE the traveling bonus! I so wish it were true! I would probably take a trip driving at 75mph for no apparent reason if I could really have this bonus be true! ;)

Gigi said...

I adore driving by myself - radio on loud (to what *I* want to hear)- but for some reason Hubby hates the thought of me driving any distance by myself. Either a) he thinks I'm incompetent b) he thinks I'll get really crazy and start undressing the Fig Newtons or c) I'll get lost.

Personally, I'm leaning toward C - since I've been known to get lost in my own town....

Hilary said...

Thankfully the sunscreen didn't cover your funny bone. You've got me craving salty/sweet now.

Keep driving safely!

Ms. A said...

Brave, brave woman, traveling alone with nekid Newtons, going seventy five and slippery from sunscreen. Dare I ask what you were drinking?

Daisy said...

Oh Betty. I am giggling and giggling while reading this post. You are such a treasure. Thanks so much for making me laugh tonight. :)

Marlene said...

Oh, you are a fun, funny lady. I used to drive back and forth a lot (by myself) from the mother country to where I live now...about 8.5 hours each way....I don't miss those days. I prefer company in the car. :)

faye said...

I would go on a roadtrip with
you in a nanosecond.. next time
pack some salted peanuts and a
6 pack of grape soda...the perfect traveling companion to FAT FREE
fig newtons

Lydia K said...

That would be a MVSA--motor vehicular sunscreen accident.

Silver Strands said...

Fig Newtons? Really?? I'm taking a lonely car trip later this week ... maybe I'll stock up on newtons ...

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

On a trip like that, the car does need to be well sun-blocked.
The insides of fig newtons are the best too.
xoRobyn

Entre Nous said...

Oh how I long for even a mini-road-trip! One more part for my car and hopefully I will be back on the road again (I'll pass on singing...) and hopefully my brains will make a comeback with wheels under my butt.... :}

Baby Sister said...

Remind me to take those with me next time I go on a road trip as to avoid as many calories as possible...too bad cherry pepsi can't be included in that.

Susan in the Boonies? That comment cracked me up. And Linda and I must be bosom buddies.

Pat Tillett said...

I love fig newtons! If I tried to put on sunscreen while driving, I'd end up in a ditch...