Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Ultra Health Blast 2011

An Essential Part of Step Two


It was only somewhat shocking that there was no confetti cannon put into immediate use when I announced to my family that on Monday, Ultra Health Blast 2011 would begin.

I supposed I can’t really blame those around me for not responding appropriately. After all, in the past I had announced the beginning of:

Health Blast 2011: A New Beginning

Mega Health Blast

Healthy Living Jamboree

Festival of Health with Power Food Boosts.


By “in the past” I mean since January of this year.

What can I say? I enjoy making theatrical announcements while wearing brand new Spandex.

I get inspired to begin dramatic new programs of health after being temporarily derailed by a migraine, dental surgery, airline travel, company, or outside temperatures below 50 degrees.

Betty, a simple creature, needs only a whiff of motivation. It could be one good dose of Dr. Oz, one issue of Prevention magazine warning of the dangers of unhealthy living, or one good look in the cruel department store mirror. I then decide to implement a whole new way of living.

Rest assured, there is a schedule, people.

First, the Alert then goes out to the general public. My resolution is made clear.

Then comes the obligatory two-day period of preparation in which I finish off the economy bag of Ruffles, clear out (via mouth) my stash of Mounds Bars hidden in my sock drawer, and drink an extraordinary amount of Diet Pepsi accompanied by a large order of fries.

(This odd reverse-cleansing process is an indispensable, albeit a mysterious, part of the psychological plan. Don’t try to understand this step. Do not question it. Just accept it as essential.)

I then go to the store and purchase large amounts of green leafy things.


Exercise? Oh, it’s always a part of the plan. That’s most likely where I get into trouble.

Now, I can walk like nobody’s business and I like doing it. No problem. I live on flat land—no hills. Walking is a breeze. My lower calf muscles are honed and ready to go.

It’s those other 716 muscles that give me problems.

A Sad but Totally True Story:

Years ago, I took a rare trip to the gym and decided that instead of just treading on the trusty treadmill, I would be like all the cool women who get on the elliptical machines. It looked easy. It looked fun. I wanted to be in the in-crowd.

I stepped on the machine between two other groovy gals and snuck a peek at their times. One had been on for 30 minutes and the other for 40 minutes. I poked around at the buttons, and started movin’ and groovin’.

I smiled to know I had joined my people. I was one of the pretty, athletic ones.

It took me about 50 seconds to realize the muscles in my upper thighs were hardening and were about to burst through the skin, popping forward and flapping around like Red Vines. I quickly calculated that at the rate I was going, it would be a mere two minutes before a momentous event that would result in a call to 911.

Ever the proud one, I rapidly decided the best, face/thigh saving plan was to pretend that I had not realized what time it was and that I was obviously late for a Very Important Appointment.

Fueled by a powerful combination of embarrassment and pain, I went into Crazed Mime Mode. First, I dramatically looked at the large clock on the wall and pretended to be shocked. Oh! How well I feigned surprise and dismay! I looked at the imaginary watch on my wrist and then popped my hand up to my open mouth! OH MY! I turned off the machine and quickly gathered up my things. For good measure, I threw in another overly-animated mime-like sigh, a head shake, a throwing up of hands and a big sad face to show just how disappointed I was at not being able to complete my exercise routine.

I am sure I fooled everyone around me.



A Shorter but Equally Sad Tale: A Teacher’s Confession

There are times in my classes at which I need to write copious notes on the whiteboard. I’ll be up there, my arm extended, writing away when I suddenly realize that the muscles in my arms refuse to keep my abnormally heavy humerus bone in the air any longer.

My brain is sending me the urgent message: Lower the arm soon or die.

Yes, I have more to write, but I must listen to my brain which now vividly registers the pain by sending me images of sharp-toothed creatures biting and gnawing on each and every tender pink strand of muscle in my arm.

It is at that point I decide a class discussion is in order. In a voice high and strained from the throbbing pain, I start repeating what I have placed on the board, and asking for feedback on it. My students, hearing my tone of voice, look concerned and somewhat alarmed. From my overall expression, they conclude this information must be much more important that they thought.

My hope is to appear to be a concerned and dedicated teacher, reinforcing what I have just written.

My secret is I am actually just a weak-armed ninny, unable to raise my arm in the air or speak normally again until the creatures relax their strong jaws.



According to many scary articles, our muscles are turning to strawberry jelly with each passing year unless we strengthen them.

Ah well, all this is about to change with Ultra Health Blast 2011.

I am motivated. After all, my children have promised me a party if I make it to 100 years of age. I intend to be one old lady who can hoist a giant tube of bright red lipstick up to smear across her nearly nonexistent lips.

So bring on the exercise. Bring on the salad. Let Ultra Health Blast 2011 begin.

(Oh, that salad looks sort of heavy. Could you just put it right down there on the table? Thanks so much.)




61 comments:

Teresa Evangeline said...

I can relate. It is very close to my own series of declarations around healthy eating. I even woke up declaring yet another new beginning just this morning. We shall see...

Thanks for the laughs in the a.m. They go well with my coffee. Better than a lemon-filled Danish. Really.

Nancy said...

Funny (and totally relateable) post.

I usually start over on Mondays. By Friday, I'm back to my old habits.

Why is it so difficult to change? :)

Munir said...

I guess we are all so alike in our own way. I am not a very good actress though. When some one tells me, all it takes is healthy eating is not so hard, I tell them for me banging my head against a wall is easier.

Seams Inspired said...

I'm laughing hysterically and Son#1 is giving me the Hairy Eyeball thinking his Mom has completely lost it. Thanks for the much-needed laugh this AM.

BTW...I signed up for WW online last evening because my scale practically moaned when it realized I was 2 pounds shy of being the weight I was 2 years ago when I first joined. Back to the program! ;o)

Catherine said...

Haha ~ you are so funny ~ but so true! It's so easy to start off with good intentions to get healthy but then all of a sudden ~ live and lovely food get in the way!!!

Oh well, as long as we are always trying!

Fun post Betty!
xo Catherine

Anne Gallagher said...

You're such a great wife/mom for warning your family first of the new food regimen about to be implemented. I'm sure they must love you more and more each day.

And yes, I agree, french fries must be eaten before the leafy greens. How else would you get the satisfaction of knowing you are purging those glorious fats from your body, if you hadn't eaten them in the first place.

Another wonderful post Betty. I could go on and on about arm muscles actually being attached to your back, but I won't. I'm sure you already know.

Madi and Mom said...

MOL MS. BB
Madi here...mom is rolling on the floor LOL......and it is not a purrty sight, but I thank you for entertaining Mom. I enjoyed watching her too.
Hugs Madi

Leah J. Utas said...

Good post, Betty. Most entertaining.

Brian Miller said...

i went to the gym once, it almost killed me...smiles. good luck witht he health blast!

baygirl32 said...

great post Betty!

Out on the prairie said...

I have had it all, nutritionist, trainers, weekly workouts and I still need more. When we showed our meals on a sheet, I showed what most people shouldn't eat as much of.I thought blogging is a good workout.

Jules said...

LOL, what a Blast you seem to have planned :) At the gym equipment does not attack you. That was my problem, it saw a weakling and just had it's way with me :D
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Liz said...

But when the fries are displayed in a special chrome cylindrical funnel - they are less bad and more good that way, right?? It's all about the packaging. :)

Facing50Blog.com said...

You've started me off with a coughing fit at the comment you left me and now I'm in trouble again. What a great post. I can completely relate to it even down to the gym trip where while you were on the elliptical machine I'll have been the loony on the rowing machine who fell off having rowed too hard too quickly.
Good luck with your new healthy regime..if you're anything like me you might have to write a few more posts yet to psyche yourself up.

Flartus said...

Lots of lol...I think I might love you. :) Thanks for sharing your sad but true stories; they were most illuminating.

Now I think I will embark on my own pre-Health Blast preparation phase...as I ponder whether or not to implement the rest of the plan.

Brian said...

Hey, that sounds like our house! I swear, if it wasn't for the exercise equipment I don't know where they would hang the clothes! That was a fun read today!!!

Donna said...

Hahahaa.....love your tales!
Good luck this time.
Now I'm reflecting on past moments when MY teachers had the "look" on Their faces...hummmm...Hahaaa
hughugs

Mrs.C said...

Oh goodness, how I relate to this. I've told my husband I don't know how many times, I've got to do something. Something. And then I head over to Sonic when he isn't looking and get a 1/2 price Strawberry Lime-Ade during Sonic's Happy Hour, and a med. fry while I contemplate my plan. I get hungry thinking about getting in shape and eating healthy. I understand your reverse cleanse, it works for me too!

Design Elements said...

good post! lovely greetings

Swapna Raghu Sanand said...

You had me smiling as I read this post. I could relate to it. Keep writing.

Theanne and Baron said...

You're hysterically funny...or maybe it's because I so totally identify with your situation and I'm laughing at myself! I lost my weight, finally after years and years of weight loss schemes! Why? When every lab visit revealed my "bad" cholesterol was to high, then triglycerides decided to jump on board the "high" express along with blood pressure. How? Not easy, sent the still packaged "fat" food to the Good Samaritan Food Pantry and chucked the open stuff. And started eating a lot of salads made with fresh fruit. It took a year to lose 40 pounds...cholesterol down, triglycerides down and BP way down plus the nurses smiled now when they weighed me...it has been grand. I still don't exercise enough so I'm still working on that one. I have to admit I am an older widow...my lips are thinning, (thankfully I don't wear lipstick), so there is no one at home to bring in tempting lovely eatable things...so I say do the best you can because you never know, one day you'll make it happen!

Hilary said...

You are hilarious.. and I can so relate. Thanks for the laughs. Can I help you lift your fork?

Don said...

Oh Bossy, our lives are already overlapping! I began Ultra Health Blast 2011 seven weeks ago. My call to action was a reality based 911 call. Due to my close encounter with an out of body experience, I had to forgo your two day reverse-cleansing process. I did it cold turkey. I can report that your two day process, while advisable is, in fact, dispensable. Maybe there should be a subgroup- Ultra Health Blast 2011 For Fanatics.

Anyway, I am leaner, meaner but I do need more Bossy. Please.

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Very interesting Betty, I try to eat healthy and take walks but the pounds are still slow in coming off, I think attitude plays a large part in living healthy, it's all so easy to sit infront of the TV than being mobile.

Yvonne.

blueviolet said...

Sadly, I am a master of the reverse cleanse.

Good luck with the Ultra Health Blast 2011!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Snorty snort snort.

You are my soul mate!!!

I was scared you were going to talk about how when you write on the board and the students become mesmerized by the rhythmic waggling of your underarm flab.

Not that I think you HAVE any underarm flab.

But I am personally scarred from childhood memories of watching Mrs. Hutchinson's underarm wobble as she erased our chalkboards in second grade. I was completely entranced.

jenny_o said...

Awesome, BB! I'm at the point of doing the same thing. I broke out in "funny tears" at the part about alarming the kids with your strained voice. I'll join you in your salad. Cheers!

Nezzy said...

Girl ya are a card and have me rollin' here!!!

Hon, I want to apologize. I just realized today that the pics in my last post were visible to only me. Dang Picasa!!! I've reposted usin' Photobucket so pop on over if ya get a chance.

Sorry!!!

God bless ya and have a wonderful day!!!

Retired English Teacher said...

Very funny. I can relate to your post. I think I've actually had to place my left hand on my right arm and gently lift the right arm down because my arm is frozen in the air from writing on the board too long. Ouch!

The only thing worse is to have brain freeze while writing on the board. Suddenly, the spelling of the most simple word escapes me when I experience brain freeze.

Old Kitty said...

I haven't a clue what an elliptical machine is but is sounds like torture and one to be avoided at all costs!!!

And yes, it always pays to listen to one's Brain - they have ways of inflicting pain or worse if ignored! :-)

Enjoy your salad!!! Take care
x

Gigi said...

The road to hell is paved with good intention - that is what I think every time I start a new way of life. Then I remember, that I won't keep up with that new way - so I just bag it before I even get started.

And by the way, they need to rename the elliptical to torture-machine.

Ann said...

I have similar intentions. I plan on starting tomorrow. My only problem is that when tomorrow gets here it's already today and then I have to wait another day. :)

Ms. A said...

Anything that requires my arms to be shoulder high, for more than a few minutes, is not going to work. I sympathize.

Tracy said...

Oh Betty, That was truly enjoyable and goodness, if I didn't have a visual image. Expecially of you getting off the elliptical machine. One positive about where I teach? We use document cameras :)

Linda said...

This is SO funny, BB. As a perpetual weight watcher myself, I could relate to so much of what you said...especially the pre-diet cleansing. Of course, it usually takes me days to do the cleansing, and the diet lasts about half that long. You are wonderful at painting word pictures. I'll never see someone writing on a white board again without thinking of this post. :)

Daisy said...

Dearest Betty, you are my hero! You make me laugh so much. I have announced fresh starts here too, but not nearly so eloquently as you. Mine never seem to last very long either. That chalk they make these days must be made of really heavy material!! You poor dear. Maybe you can get workman's comp for your arm. ;)

Copyboy said...

I'm a horrible addition to any gym. I get on the treadmill and set it to browse.

CherylK said...

Oh, Betty, you are without equal! And that's a compliment.

Regarding the health club incident...I could have saved you the pain had I known you were going to try out those elliptical machines. Speaking from personal experience, they are deadly and should be avoided at all costs.

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

Hey, I'm starting on Friday, April Fool's Day, for the foolish idea I'm going to stick with it this time.
Good luck on Monday.

Lydia K said...

Too funny! You had me at the "economy bag of ruffles."

Lin said...

Day one on the elliptical is nothing. Day TWO is hell. Pure hell. Nice acting--I'll bet 30 min gal and 40 min gal were bustin'!

Ami said...

I love you, Betty.

Marlene said...

Hey. Fries = potato = veggie. Good enough for me.

Oil = lube = keeps everything moving. Even better.

Mamma has spoken said...

Good luck with that! I've found that for me to be successful on a diet ALL bad foods have to be out of the house. Hard thing to do when those around you refuse to follow my good lead.

Zuzana said...

Thank you for putting a BIG grin on my face this morning. Your stories were hilarious.;)) Oh, I know all about pretending something to fool others, I too yet have to master that skill.;)
I was laughing picturing you making that surprised face at the gym and then confusing your students.;) Made me think of the times when a teacher was confusing me - wonder if the reason was similar to yours.;)
Good luck with your new health plan.;)
xoxo

faye said...

I'm right behind you Betty ...
just finishing the last of the
chips and candy........

Cricket said...

That was a very funny (and all too familiar morning) laugh. Yeah, we "reverse cleanse" around here, too.

Sometimes, we don't even bother to follow up with the health blast part.

In my heaven, broccoli is off-limits and you can have all the Reese's cups you want.

Talli Roland said...

I'm in awe of your dedication! Good luck, Betty - I may be joining you soon, when I can't fit my bulging belly into my jeans any longer.

EmptyNester said...

I'm starting all over again myself. Lost 83 pounds but, no worries, I found quite a few of them again. Oh, and when I made the same discovery about the elliptical (or, as I like to call them, evil machines from hell)I feigned nothing. Everyone knew just what I thought when I dismounted after 20 seconds. LOL New follower! Glad I found you!

taio said...

genial

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Be sure to let me know how this goes Betty. I shall strive to eat down my reserve of cadbury mini eggs so I can join you in 2012!

Joyful said...

Wow! Can I ever relate to a lot of this ;-)

Susan Fields said...

We're starting "healthy eating" around here starting today. I hope my kids survive. :)

And the reverse-cleansing process makes absolute sense. If your body's got all that stuff stored up, it won't crave if for at least...2 or 3 days?

Good luck!

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Even in my health binges, Diet Pepsi belongs. Just food for thought there ;-)

Brian (not the cat) said...

Your Oscar-worthy feigned appointment reminds of that awkward moment we all get from time to time when we are walking down a hall and realize we've forgotten something and have to turn around. Whenever there is a person there to see this, why is it we feel so embarrassed and find it necessary to make some sort of grunt or hand gesture? Is it that we are worried the person might take it personally, as if we were so repulsed to see them that we would rather beat a hasty retreat than be forced to come within three feet of them? Not that there aren't such people, of course, but that's the exception, not the rule.

Baby Sister said...

I go through the same thing too. And every week I say will be different. Sometimes I do good, but ever since the doctor banned me from the gym...I haven't been so good.

Shan said...

What the hey? I know I read this and a few other posts the other day... but I couldn't recall what I'd said in response. Now I can see why. *sigh* Sorry. Hopefully it helps just to know people like me are stopping by and absorbing your wit and wisdom well enough to contemplate it later (perhaps while ill-a advisedly wearing a tank top).

Shan said...

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you that this reminded me of a friend of mine (also named Shannon, but I *swear* it's not me). She went on a health kick once and decided we should go speed walking together. It was a big deal. I even invited a friend to join us. Figured we'd go to a nearby track, but no! She wanted to walk around this one particular patch of grass in our apartment complex... roughly 1/8 the size of a football field. In terrible friend fashion (speaking of fashion, she wore ridiculously short shorts *shudder*), my other friend and I stood gaping while she started off on her journey to health, frenetically waving her arms. It was a too funny to watch without giggling. And when she started slowing down before she reached the halfway mark, I was done for. I laughed so hard I fell over. Shannon didn't help matters at all when she laid down after struggling to complete a lap.

The Adorkable Ditz said...

So THAT'S why you don't write a lot of notes on the board!

Saba said...

I found quite a few of them again. Oh, and when I made the same discovery about the elliptical (or, as I like to call them, evil machines from hell)I feigned nothing. Everyone knew just what I thought when I dismounted after 20 seconds. LOL New follower!Azelex 15mg

Blogger said...

Do you drink Coke or Pepsi?
PARTICIPATE IN THE POLL and you could get a prepaid VISA gift card!