Wednesday, January 5, 2011

It's Not a Right. It's a Privilege. Try to Remember That.

Maybe HOB Could Practice His Medical Social Skills on This Nice Sock Monkey and His Inflamed Gums



Poor HOB (Husband of Betty).

He did not, apparently, receive the supplement to the Marriage Manual for husbands on how to deal with certain medical conditions.

I speak of this specific passage:


Section C-1

Initial Reaction to Invitation to Observe Evidence of Medical Malady.

Section C-1 Article A-1:

A spouse is encouraged, nay, obligated to view any evidence of a medical malady that his wife chooses to share with him. This includes but is not limited to cuts, bruises, infections, stitches, and ripped off toenails. When approached by spouse with physical evidence of a recent trauma to the body, your reaction should be a mixture of concern, and just a hint of enthusiasm at the opportunity.


C-1. Article A-2

Subsequent Reaction of Spouse to Physical Evidence of Medical Malady:

Your reaction must be in direct proportion to the seriousness perceived by the spouse with malady. Looks of nonchalance are not permitted, nor are looks of sheer revulsion. Additionally, you must make appropriate sounds indicating concern and admiration of wife's incredible strength and courage.



If HOB had read this supplement to the manual, he would not have withdrawn in horror this morning as I pulled out my lower lip to ask him if he thought the skin near some recent gum surgery was rotting flesh. Following this, I gently explained to him the rule of marriage that he had to look at my gums and react appropriately. I gave him another chance, pulled out the bottom lip again and put my face closer to his.

I am sorry to say he is still working on the skill of the nuanced reaction.

I had the gum surgery on Thursday and, in a tale that is as old as motherhood itself, shortly after I came out of the surgery in a weakened condition, both HOB and Sonny Boy came down with hideous bouts of the flu.

So much for the Mama being taken care of.

(Guess who went to the store and got herself an obscene number of tapioca pudding cups and later hid them from the sickies.)

So, you can see why the least HOB could have done, as I went in to coo at him and ask if he needed anything, was to look at the strangely-colored, putrid-smelling skin around the three teeth that had the gum reconstruction.

I didn’t even ask him to look at the part of the palate where they harvested the gum grafts. I mean, he IS sick, so I am giving him a bit of a break.



HOB has never been very good at hitting the right note when I present to him something that I consider to be both intriguing and medically fascinating.

Years ago, late at night I hacked up some sort of white mass from my throat, and in accordance with the rights given me in Article C-1 section A-1, I showed it to HOB, mostly because it was a really interesting shape and looked like a large bit of cauliflower, a food I had not consumed for years. Could it be that my throat had been performing as a slow cooker for this bit of food for that long? This thought fascinated me.

This was in the days before Web MD, so without a word, without any questions, without a comment like “Wow! Baby! You are just full of cool surprises, aren’t you?” He gasped, picked up the phone and called our friend who had a large medical encyclopedia. “Hello?” the very sleepy voice on the other end of the phone said. HOB responded in a loud and serious voice. “Look up throat cancer. NOW”

The man really needs to regulate these reactions. Overreaction is just as bad as underreaction. It’s all a matter of balance.

We’ll keep working on things here.

Please note I am not including a picture of my gums with this post. Call me old-fashioned, but that’s for HOB’s eyes only. (And my friends, my co-workers, the counter guy at Jamba Juice, and the nice lady behind me at the grocery store, oh yeah, and I did text a picture of it to a couple of people.)

As you can see, it's a private matter. God knows, I don't want any extra attention.





56 comments:

Seams Inspired said...

LOL! DH has read that part of the manual, and is good to adhere to it. Hope your gums are feeling better. :o)

BTW...The white mass from your throat is called a tonsiolith. I learned this when I had my tonsillectomy a few years ago. Best diet I was ever on...lost 17 pounds in 10 days.

Catherine said...

Bawhaha ~ you are so funny! How come when men get 'sick' they hit the bed or the couch and don't move. A woman is sick and she can still throw in a load of laundry, go to the store to buy medicine, feed the kids, etc. Oh well, men are men. We have to be easy on them. ;)

xo Catherine

Hinda Toufga said...

very funny :) loved it
xxx

Madi and Mom said...

Morning BB....oh my stars I have laughed so hard my eyes are watering.
I don't even know where to begin except to say I've had gum surgery so you have my sympathy. Hang in there this too shall pass.

Now to quote my very wise daughter 33 years ago when I was on my death bed with the flu. She was banned from coming near me so in her very loud outside voice she told me "Mommies are not supposed to get sick". Wonder if her Dad told her to say that?

Hugs BB,
C

Anne Gallagher said...

I'm wondering Betty, as I have no spouse, if there's a Mommy edition to that manual. Monster Baby has me inspect every cut scrape and boo-boo she has, even if imaginary. I'm sick of running out of band-aids and would love to quote some Article-subsection that says, "Band-aids are only required if there is blood."

baygirl32 said...

another wonderful post. hope the mouth is better soon

Flartus said...

"...I gently explained to him..."

Oh yes, I'm sure you did. ;)

Leah J. Utas said...

He needs a gentle reminder. Oh, and get the gums attended to.

Out on the prairie said...

Whoa, white masses from a cough and now decayed flesh. He may think you are getting zombie syndrone,the rotting flesh is all part of that.When eating the tapioca in secrecy, are you possibly thinking, MMMM BRAINS?I wish at times I had someone to share my maladies with, the pets never seem to care.Good luck with the gum transplant, the only time I had that was making out.

Jules said...

This was totally amusing! But at least he did not faint, my injuries/healings usually have that effect on people :)
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Old Kitty said...

Oh BB!! Please look after yourself and get better!! Rotting flesh? Weird white mass? Ew!!! BB!! LOL!! I think HOB is showing remarkable restraint and valour under such circumstances!! :-)

But seriously!!! Take care,please! x

Brian said...

See, and you thought the new year wasn't going to be fun!!!

blueviolet said...

I'd like to side with you here, but ewwwwwwwwwwww.

Marlene said...

You have such a way with wit and the written word. I'd love to sit down with you one day and just listen to you ramble. I'd be thoroughly entertained! :)

KLZ said...

It's the sheer revulsion that gets me the most.

Yes, I KNOW it's disgusting but I don't need you to SAY or IMPLY it.

Baby Sister said...

I hope for your sake that HOB learns his lesson quickly. I hope for my sake that future husband o' mine reacts properly.

Kathie @ Just a Happy Housewife said...

My husband needs the manual! I never get the sympathy I want either. He's only worried when I'm sure there's nothing wrong with me ;-)

Noelle said...

I wasn't queasy before I read this post...

You really crack me up!!! I hope HOB learns his lesson soon!

welcome to my world of poetry said...

When my late husband had a cold like most men it was bed, cups of tea being made for him. Yet the twice he was diagnosed with the big C he was the bravest person I have met, no fuss just took it in his stride.

Yvonne.

Madi and Mom said...

Dear Miss Betty, Madi here...
what took my Dad so long to give me the ham was called 'Diva Torture'. He finished fixin' his sandwich first. Might I add that revenge is sweet and it will strike when he least expects it.
Sincerely
Madi

Jinksy said...

Of course, you wrote the manual!? LOL

Dillypoo said...

Where can I get a complete copy of that manual???

Very funny! Thanks for the giggle today (and for not posting the picture...I was reading during lunch).

Pearl said...

Oh, honey, this may be wrong of me but I think this is the funniest post yet. :-)

Get better soon, of course.

Pearl

BigSis said...

I hate to laugh at your predicament, but this post is HILARIOUS! I'm glad you didn't leave us out of the inner circle!

Liz said...

BB, those boys owe you. BIG TIME!

Perhaps the iPad should be gifted back to you?? Would that be a start?

Nat said...

Hahaha! Betty, you are so witty even when you're not feeling great...hope your mouth is better soon!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You always make me laugh!
And I think I missed those pages in the manual as well...

Ann said...

I think maybe it's time to sit HOB down for a little studying. Maybe he'll do better next time.
You just crack me up and I'm very thankful that you didn't provide pictures

Medeia Sharif said...

Thanks for the funny. :)

I hope your gummage is okay though.

slommler said...

HOB needs a refresher course for sure!! You would think that he would have this down by now!!! Sheesh!! What is up with him??
And I bet you were gentle with him while explaining the proper procedures. Me...I would have whacked him upside the head!!!!!
Hugs
SueAnn

Gigi said...

I can see why you would want to keep this a private matter. And as such, I will totally respect your wishes and not ask that you post a picture.

Definitely print out those subsections for HOB so that he can brush up on his duties as HOB.

Hope you feel better soon.

Kazzy said...

Wow, you showed him what you hacked up? Now that is true love. LOL

Hope you are better.

The Adorkable Ditz said...

That sounds really unpleasant. I hope that whatever it is gets or is cleared up.

http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

Mamma has spoken said...

Sorry but I am with hubby on this one. That was all just too gross for even this mother of 4 sons. Now I think I'll go and throw-up :p

Daisy said...

Thanks for making me laugh, Betty. You're such a treasure. Thanks too for sparing us a picture. HA HA HA! I hope your gums are better soon.

Velvet Over Steel said...

LOL, Betty this post is priceless!!! I am so going to remember this! Sorry about them not taking care of you.. like they should have. But very glad that you can obviously take good care of yourself... you interesting woman you!! :-)

I'm still laughing.... Thank you!!
Hugs,
Coreen

Slamdunk said...

As a husband and regular dork with regard to marriage protocol, I am taking good notes here...

I hope your mouth is better soon.

Stephen Tremp said...

I remember when my wife got her tonsils taken out and the rest of us got really suck. No one could take care of anyone. It was a pretty rough time. We all just laid around and moaned and groaned.

Pat Tillett said...

You are hilarious!

When I'm sick, or hurting I just want to be left alone. There are 6 women in my immediate family and only 2 males. I wish they wanted to be left alone also...

Maybe you and your husband are adhering to different manuals!

Great post Betty!

faye said...

Your posts always provide a glimmer
of sunshine on a rainy day.

Thanks for the smiles and giggles..
oooh and thank you for not posting the photo of those inflamed gums..

Shan said...

Perhaps I'm not the only one who needs a Snazzy Napper. (No, I haven't decided if you or HOB merit the honor more.)

I hope you are all healed and well real quick like.

Hugs :+)

A Tale of Two Cities said...

Oh dear, I need a copy of that manual for my hubby. Tonight he is recovering from oral surgery and I'm babying him as every good wife should, and hoping he takes notes for the next time I need to be pampered!

Happy New Year,
Debi

mskanorado said...

I need a copy of this manual for my hubby! LOL So funny! You posts always make my day and most of the time I laugh all the way through them! I do hope you poor mouth gets better soon!

Lazarus said...

Hilarious, gross, hilarious, gross. Remind me never to come to your house for cauliflower cassarole. Great post though, made me laugh so hard my gums bled!

The Green Streak said...

I'm with HOB on this one. Gross! Yuck!

jenny said...

My son had that surgery and it is definitely not fun. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Theresa Milstein said...

Oh no! HOB definitely dropped the ball on this one. How unfair people got the flu after you had gum surgery. I hope by now your'e all getting better.

Oh Sew Good said...

Ewwwww! I'm so thankful you didn't post pictures and especially the white mass. Ewwww!

Sarah said...

Knowing how easily HOB faints on injuries/blood/swelling, this should be included in "things better not shared between a couple" catagory. And thanks for not posting a picture of it. :)

Hilary said...

You are too hilarious. You could have probably sold what you horked up on eBay. Hope you're feeling tip top before too long.

Ashley King said...

jason must've missed the manual too! ;)

at least you didn't ask him to SMELL it....

i love your stories.... even if they make me kinda nauseated.... the whole cauliflower thing.... i automatically smelled rotten eggs when you mentioned that. there was a cauliflower field by our old house, we would pass on the freeway.... everytime you passed the field, you hoped the person you were in the car with didn't think you just passed.... well, you know....

hope you're feeling better soon!!!

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

This is a marital rule that I'm guilty of breaking. If Tim shows me something, I exclaim, "dear God, how are you still alive!" Then I'll ask him if he's feeling okay with a look of true concern. It's no help for his hypochondria.

I can see why your rule is in place, but truly it is more fun the other way!

The Retired One said...

OMG, did I giggle reading this. I am constantly telling my hubby that I had a Marriage Manual when we got married and obviously he never made it past Article !, subsection 1, because I must quote passages from The Manual all the time. I KNEW I should have had him sign that he did indeed,read such Manual...that is the TRUE pre-nup !!!

Chris Phillips said...

I have one of those manuals! I use it to prop up one of the legs on my workbench.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

Yikes! BB, you've had a rough start to the new year...I've noticed that when my hubby's sick he can't do anything else either...LOL, men!

Feel better soon.

Southwest Arkie said...

Ok- ewwwwww on the hacked up white stuff, but I totally agree with you about sharing ickkies with the hubs. I believe all of this is covered in chapter two of the marriage book.