Friday, November 12, 2010

Addicted


When my friend Diane placed the slice of raspberry tart in front of me, I gasped in delight.

It was not the butter-filled crust that made the smile appear on my face. It was not the anticipation of the sweet/sour/tart filling hitting my taste buds like a whack-a-mole game gone berserk.

No, my happiness sprang from the sight of all those little seeds within the dessert.

Oh, those seeds

I nearly squealed in happiness.

What was I thinking of? I was looking forward to the moment I could go home and be with my new BFF. Oh, there was going to be a party in my sink. The seeds from the raspberry tart, combined with remnants of the green salad and the black bean burrito I had consumed earlier? Oh yeah! It was going to look like a confetti bomb had gone off. I couldn’t wait.

You see, my friends, I am addicted. Addicted to the H2OPik. The Waterpik Experience.

(Oh! Do I share too much here? Do I overstep the bounds of good taste? Blame it on this little machine and its power! I must share! I must OVERSHARE!)

It was my dental hygienist who, after explaining to me in graphic detail how the gum on tooth number 26 was in grave danger and in need of immediate care by a periodontist, suggested that I get a Waterpik.

Now, Betty is all about oral hygiene—and practices extensively, mostly in the car. Driving time IS dental hygiene time. I floss in the car. I have bags of dental picks by my gearshift and, I have been known to stimulate my gums with a rubber-tipped gizmo at a stoplight. This is why I was surprised to hear things were amiss in Betty’s Boca.

My hygienist assured me that I had not caused the damage. She wrapped the rock of reality in a soft feather pillow of words and explained to me in carefully chosen language that aging may have played a part in the whole ugly affair.

Oh.

However! She gave me hope that I could prevent such loss in the future with a Waterpik. I immediately seized upon a concept of this little miracle machine as a small Fountain of Youth for my gums and knew I must have one.

Now, I had a Waterpik earlier in my life. It was the old model that chugged along dispensing water from the large tank that sat upon the laboring motor. However, I discontinued using it when 1) the water started tasting like mold and 2) when my two boys discovered how to use it to shoot streams of water at the ceiling and at each other.

Much like Ponce de Leon would have done had there been a shopping mall nearby, I set out with enthusiasm and vigor, and explored the aisles of Target for a new Waterpik. I discovered that the basic models had changed somewhat and yet the concept was the same.

I picked up sleek new model that looked like it could blast out debris from 1974 and brought it home.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Fun Times.

Alas, knowing what kind of personality she was dealing with, my hygienist made a point of forbidding me from going beyond the number 2 setting. (It goes up to 10.) Oh! This kind of restraint is difficult for Betty who needs a rheostat for just about any new activity for which she is enthusiastic.

So far, I am happy to report, I have been able to control myself, but it’s difficult. I MAY have gone up to 4 or 5, maybe, just one time, but only after eating an entire bag of Swedish Fish, AND it was just one time. I went right back down to 2, so I know I can handle the higher pressures from time to time. Really. I can.

Let me tell you, there is something so incredibly fulfilling about standing over the sink and blasting out the remains of a meal from between your teeth. It’s an experience that can be translated metaphorically to so many areas. Imagine Waterpiking your social life and loosening the remnants of relationships that have started to decay. Envision Waterpiking your memories and watching those corrosive flashbacks to unpleasant times just fall away. Family gatherings just got better! Bring on the high school reunion!

OK…back to the sink.

I suppose this thrill will wear off eventually, but for now this activity is keeping Betty happy and her mind active.

Is it wrong to choose foods based on their WRV (Waterpik Remnant Value)? Could a rating of this value be established and placed the the labels of food?

It's something to think about.

All I know is now, when I sit down to a meal or a snack, I don’t count the calories in the granola bar. I don’t think about vitamin content in the grapes. I don't even consider the fat content in the bag of peanuts.

I just look forward to that Jackson Pollock moment at the sink.

Oh yeah.





52 comments:

Hilary said...

You're a hoot. Only you could imagine water piking your life.

DrSoosie said...

Betty did you write this just for me? I feel like you are preaching to the choir here. I am glad you are a dental dream...keep poking, and picking and flossing away!!!!

Joanna Jenkins said...

That is a great opening sentence-- You had mymouth watering. Then I kept reading and cracked up.
Love you girl. jj

Zuzana said...

This was so funny! The beginning of your post had me guessing what it is you were trying to say, as I had no idea what a *pik is. (Except a really bad word in Danish, hehe.) But then I got it.;) My father was a dentist and we used those when I was a child, I recall now suddenly. It must have been one of the earliest models in the 70's.;)
I hope you enjoyed your flossing and cleaning seance.;)
Have a lovely weekend,
xo

Seams Inspired said...

Well, D-I-R-T. I just sold one yesterday at the B3DYS...for $1.00!
After reading about your basin bliss, I wish I'd kept it.

Happy Saturday! Ooh...are you going to take close-up snaps of your gums for today's post? :o)

Peggy K said...

Oh, Betty, I do so enjoy your posts...no matter how much TMI-ish you get!! Always so inspiring. Hmmmm, I wonder if the waterpik is covered by my flex spending account this year!!

slommler said...

Ha!! Ha!! Ha!! I haven't used one of those in years! Maybe I should reconsider...I mean why should you be the only one having such an orgasmic experience?? Huh???
Seriously!!!!!
Can't wait to here your report on your gums!!
(wink)
Hugs
SueAnn

McGillicutty said...

ohhh there is such satisfaction in seeing the debris... right there with ya!!!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Not gonna lie, that water pik is amazing. Felix Unger used to say he used it on his toes. I wouldn't go that far.

Ann said...

Oh Betty you just crack me up. You can even make a debris filled sink sound entertaining.

ridgely johnson said...

I'm with you on the pik- but now I WANT a raspberry tart ;-(

Old Kitty said...

I have absolutely no idea or concept of what a waterpik is! LOL!!! I'm presuming it's an liquid electronic version of a toothpick! LOL!!!!!

Oh but I can totally see your Pollack-inspired work of living art spewed all over your sink. I demand a picture for posterity! LOL!

Take care
x

Out on the prairie said...

To think now that a group is now forming to pass a bill against flossing in the car. I have a great collection of things given to me by my dentist in my car.Now toward the art experience, I think I may let you enjoy that in the privacy of your home. This is why 4 out of 5 people think you are the best to read.

Tracy said...

You are strange but in a harmless sort of way. :-)

Theresa Milstein said...

You're too funny. That's how I felt about my electric toothbrush until it broke. Now tooth cleanliness has lost all its joy.

Cricket said...

Oh, dear. Borderline TMI. Well, that's ok, since you're so funny about it.

We had a water pik way back. I didn't know they still made them. Of course, I've been known to set the shower massage to "blasting" and pik that way.

Word of the day: opercula

Sadly, I used to go everywhere with floss and a package of Dent's Extra Strength Toothache Gum. Now, most of the offending teeth have met Mr. Pliers. One more serious round of dental work and I should be set for a while.

I used to "enjoy" the tooth cleaning experience myself, but only because I was in a fair amount of pain until after. I can do the normal brush-and-floss now, and don't have to worry about being in pain after every meal.

That's something, I guess.

Marlene said...

You ate a whole bag of swedish fish?!!! MY HERO!!!! :)

I don't have a waterpik, but I do have a Sonic Care Toothbrush. Love it. Think I might like the waterpik, too!

Daisy said...

HA HA HA! As my kids say about me (and which apparently may also be true about you), "It takes so little to make you happy, Mom." :D

Oh, and I also must say with regards to this post-"Raspberry tart, mmmmmmmm!"

Nick said...

Do I need to send you a bumper sticker that reads: "Danger - I floss and drive" ?

Nicole said...

Ahh - the Water Pik. Very familiar!

welcome to my world of poetry said...

I have never heard of the water PIK before unless it has a different name here,

Yvonne.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Now that was funny! I enjoy flossing. Maybe I need a WaterPik as well.

Mamma has spoken said...

Not to sound grosser (is there such a word?), but I thought you were going to blog about vomit....
It's beent that type of week...

Caro said...

I taught for a second as well your were making yourself vomit, fiou.
Enjoy your picking!

LittleSilkDress said...

This made me laugh! Although, I wonder if I should print and mail this confession to your dentist??? Just kidding :). Hope you are having a wonderful weekend!

Miriam said...

Oh, this brings back memories of my adolescence in braces. My parents bought me a waterpik and scared me with stories about kids spending years in braces their parents mortgaged their houses for, only to wind up with rotten teeth that all had to be pulled out because they hadn't cleaned properly. So I went at it with dedication, only to wind up with inflamed gums. My parents marched me to the orthodontist expecting him to confirm their worst fears, only to have him say as diplomatically as he could that the problem was too much cleaning, not enough. Vindication!

Thanks for such a funny story, and all the others I have enjoyed in the last few weeks!

Graceful Moments said...

You are so funny! I love visiting you here!
Happy to know there is a new and improved model of Waterpik. I too had one way back when and quit using it for the same reasons that you did. Now I'm planning a shopping expedition of my own to find my own new toy!!!

Shan said...

Oh, BB... you and I live on similar orally hygienic planes. I had a Waterpik in the early 80's, complete with water basin. Pretty sure mine was the blue pik and my sister's (naturally) was the one with the pink ring. Now I'm going to add Modern Waterpik to the ever growing list of things I want.

Joe Cap said...

Oh, the pain, the pain.
Those hateful little seeds are why I can't and won't eat blackberries or raspberries...

Linda said...

Hi Great post,very funny. I had a waterpik at one time of my life....well....
It broke after two weeks...Times have changed...they work better and are made better.
I have to look into them again.
thanks for your comment.

Madi and Mom said...

BB you are so very entertaining...I do believe you could charge admission to your blog. I'd gladly pay....but it is free and you cannot get any better than high quality entertainment for free.

I love my water pix....just be careful not to turn it on before it is in your mouth...LOL No on 2nd thought go ahead and that will make a fantastic post.
Hugs Madi and Mom

Jennifer Shirk said...

Oh, waterpik. Whew. When you were mentioning salad and black beans, I started to get concerned. LOL!

I'm a dental tape lover myself. Waxy and minty and thick; I love getting those popcorn kernels out with that. :)

Liz said...

Oooh, the waterpik! Yes, it's definitely a strangely satisfying feeling after extracting gunk from between one's teeth.

Love me some swedish fish, too.

Linda Myers said...

I felt the same delight when I discovered the floss that comes in the little gizmo that looks like a bow (as in archery) with the floss stretched across it. Once I didn't have to extract a foot or two from a spinning line, I actually started flossing. I may be 62, but I do learn.

Lydia Kang said...

You totally crack me up! The raspberry seeds! I need to go buy you a poppy-seed bagel now.
:P

Powdered Toast Man said...

I think the 10 setting might be the enema setting.

I want a waterpik now, sounds like a rockin' good time.

Oh Sew Good said...

I'll never look at brushing one's teeth the same again. You're hilarious!

Susan Fields said...

I've never considered the WRV of foods before - something to think about!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Sold! Could I have a raspberry tart now? Really. I was hoping for a photo of the tart.

A girl needs 2 Talk said...

You're funny! I just imagined the whole thing!

Poetic Shutterbug said...

You absolutely crack me up. You need to either be on stage, write a book or both. You are amazingly entertaining.

Pat said...

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

It would have had a hey day on my teeth when I ate all those pistachio nuts!

Gigi said...

Oh Betty - I love coming over here. Now I want to know where I can get a WaterPik that will clean off my brain to get to those memories that I keep forgetting.....

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

The simple pleasures make life worthwhile. Except that food spit out into the sink makes me dry heave.

To each his own, I suppose!

jenny_o said...

Highly entertaining!

Kazzy said...

Now I am ashamed to admit that we haven't the waterpic out since we had kids with braces. :(

Leanne said...

Betty ... you make me laugh so hard ... from start to finish. I just adore you. Only YOU would see a raspberry tart and delight in the joy of seeds and waterpiks. It's really priceless!

Brian (not the cat) said...

I'm still using the old kind with the tank. I actually run a mild bleach solution through it from time to time to get rid of the mold. I also use my Water-Pik to clean those little crevices around the sink drain. Works like a charm!

Pat Tillett said...

You are an odd duck! A hilarious and talented one for sure, still still an odd duck!

The way I look at it, is for every tooth I lose, my necklace gains one more item...

scrapwordsmom said...

I had a waterpik in the early 80's when I had braces. I had so much fun with that thing and loved how it made my mouth feel!!

You are a joy to read. SOOOO FUNNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CherylK said...

I have GOT to get me one of those!!!

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