Oh yes, there's nothing like obsessively gluing small jewels onto a metal bell with highly toxic and noxious glue for hours to take one's mind off a slow, probably agonizing death of a giant rodent in one's own walls where the carcass will eventually rest, rotting away for weeks until all that remains is a skeleton that will forever remain there, hidden out of sight, but hideously THERE for all eternity, rocking, gently rocking, whenever a wind manages to sneak through any small opening, the bones scraping against the walls as a reminder that death is merely a thin wallboard away from any of us....
Oh yeah, crafts are great for those times.
Sonny Boy's Girlfriend made the one with the neatly placed rows of green and blue jewels. I made the other two. I was especially excited about this one:
Did I mention I was an English major in college and took very few science/physics classes? Apparently the pound and a half of jewels atop a $5.00 service bell muffles the sound of the dinger more than just a little. (Overly sensitive sound waves!) I do not recommend this unless you are making it for someone with whom you live--someone you are sure will overdo it on the dinging.
My Fabulous Idea: The JAB!
Two days after making these bells. I was in a shoe store, waiting for a full thirty seconds for the man-boy clerk to meander to the check-out stand so I could purchase my stylish new shoes when it came to me: what we really need are smaller, even more portable bells (decorated with jewels of course) that we can carry with us. I call it the Jeweled Action Bell (JAB).
Imagine: If I'd had my JAB at the store, I could have whipped it out to let the man-boy clerk know that I was ready to check out and he needed to stop conversing with the tattooed young lady in the low rise jeans immediately and come tend to me immediately and give me my over 50 discount too.
Imagine: You are in a Mexican restaurant and have sucked down your Diet Pepsi and consumed your free basket of tortilla chips in a Personal Best Time of two minutes. Simply place your JAB on the table and DING! You assist your server by letting her know you are ready for a refill. PRONTO! Oh yes, that dinging sound means the same thing in ALL languages.
Imagine: You are in a large, impersonal book store, surrounded by high shelves of complicated fiction and thick anthologies of unintelligible poetry, but you want to be in Self-Help learning how to make people be more patient and self-reliant around you. No need to wander around the store. Simply take out your JAB and DING! DING! DING! until a clerk or clerks find you and lead you to the correct location. Now that's what I call real Self-Help!
Oh yes, as soon as I find these small bells, I intend to start decorating them and going into business. Here's the blueprint for the Infomercial:
Tired of being ignored in a crowd?
Exhausted from waiting for "your turn" in a line that's way too long?
Unsure if people around you know your own sense of self-importance?
Well, now you can JAB! JAB! JAB! your way to happiness!
JAB your slow dry cleaner!
JAB the clerk at the liquor store!
JAB the entire DMV department!
The JAB is great for home use too!
What better way to gently, sensitively urge your significant other understand and meet your few and simple needs?
JAB at Dinner time! (As in "Where's mine?")
JAB at Laundry time! (As in "Time for someone to run my delicates and the RIGHT way for once!"
JAB at Got-to-have-me-some-lovin'-time! (As in "You know what I mean and don't mess up the hairdo this time!")
JAB really is the answer! Order yours TODAY!
Betty Fans! I'm giving you first dibs on these! Place your orders soon!
Back to the glue and jewels now.
Back to the glue and jewels....
Happy April 1st!!