Thursday, April 1, 2010

Spring Break at Bossy Betty's: Betty's Bells

There's nothing like waiting to see if you have a dying rat within the walls of your home to make a girl turn to crafting. This week Betty relieved some of that stress of anticipation through the decorating of service bells.



Oh yes, there's nothing like obsessively gluing small jewels onto a metal bell with highly toxic and noxious glue for hours to take one's mind off a slow, probably agonizing death of a giant rodent in one's own walls where the carcass will eventually rest, rotting away for weeks until all that remains is a skeleton that will forever remain there, hidden out of sight, but hideously THERE for all eternity, rocking, gently rocking, whenever a wind manages to sneak through any small opening, the bones scraping against the walls as a reminder that death is merely a thin wallboard away from any of us....

Oh yeah, crafts are great for those times.

Sonny Boy's Girlfriend made the one with the neatly placed rows of green and blue jewels. I made the other two. I was especially excited about this one:


Did I mention I was an English major in college and took very few science/physics classes? Apparently the pound and a half of jewels atop a $5.00 service bell muffles the sound of the dinger more than just a little. (Overly sensitive sound waves!) I do not recommend this unless you are making it for someone with whom you live--someone you are sure will overdo it on the dinging.


My Fabulous Idea: The JAB!

Two days after making these bells. I was in a shoe store, waiting for a full thirty seconds for the man-boy clerk to meander to the check-out stand so I could purchase my stylish new shoes when it came to me: what we really need are smaller, even more portable bells (decorated with jewels of course) that we can carry with us. I call it the Jeweled Action Bell (JAB).

Imagine: If I'd had my JAB at the store, I could have whipped it out to let the man-boy clerk know that I was ready to check out and he needed to stop conversing with the tattooed young lady in the low rise jeans immediately and come tend to me immediately and give me my over 50 discount too.

Imagine: You are in a Mexican restaurant and have sucked down your Diet Pepsi and consumed your free basket of tortilla chips in a Personal Best Time of two minutes. Simply place your JAB on the table and DING! You assist your server by letting her know you are ready for a refill. PRONTO! Oh yes, that dinging sound means the same thing in ALL languages.

Imagine: You are in a large, impersonal book store, surrounded by high shelves of complicated fiction and thick anthologies of unintelligible poetry, but you want to be in Self-Help learning how to make people be more patient and self-reliant around you. No need to wander around the store. Simply take out your JAB and DING! DING! DING! until a clerk or clerks find you and lead you to the correct location. Now that's what I call real Self-Help!

Oh yes, as soon as I find these small bells, I intend to start decorating them and going into business. Here's the blueprint for the Infomercial:

Tired of being ignored in a crowd?

Exhausted from waiting for "your turn" in a line that's way too long?

Unsure if people around you know your own sense of self-importance?


Well, now you can JAB! JAB! JAB! your way to happiness!

JAB your slow dry cleaner!

JAB the clerk at the liquor store!

JAB the entire DMV department!

But Wait!

The JAB is great for home use too!

What better way to gently, sensitively urge your significant other understand and meet your few and simple needs?

JAB at Dinner time! (As in "Where's mine?")

JAB at Laundry time! (As in "Time for someone to run my delicates and the RIGHT way for once!"

JAB at Got-to-have-me-some-lovin'-time! (As in "You know what I mean and don't mess up the hairdo this time!")

JAB really is the answer! Order yours TODAY!


Betty Fans! I'm giving you first dibs on these! Place your orders soon!

Back to the glue and jewels now.
Back to the glue and jewels....

Happy April 1st!!

29 comments:

Madi and Mom said...

I would never have thought to decorate service bells!!! And quite frankly service in general has become so poor in most stores you'd need a bell and hammer like in a carnival to get service. They are certainly very pretty for decorations
and very unique gifts.

I hope and pray your wall rodent possibly took a trip outside before he took his last breath.
Madi and Mom

Alissa said...

Ha ha. You know the JAB would probably sell big.

Though I was in a library the other day that had a ring bell for service thing on the circulation desk. It was kind of funny to watch and see how long it took people to finally go ahead and ring the bell. The library wanted people to ring the bell, but apparently people feel bad about ringing it and would stand there at the desk for two minutes or so before finally ringing the bell.

magically ordinary said...

LOVE IT! Anything is better with a little bling on it!

Copyboy said...

You Bedazzler you. Love the pics! How's the rat?

Joe Cap said...

What a great idea...bring your own service bell to places of business!

Banjoan said...

Put my order in! I'm ready to command attention while annoying my fellow man; it's always better to kill more than one bird...
Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting.

Joann Mannix said...

I think those bells are beautiful! And like you, I like the blinged out one best. I needed one round here, these last few days. I have been sick and I mean SICK with a vicious stomach flu. My daughter actually brought me a cow bell to ring, but it's just so cow belly loud. A gentle ding would have been more like it. Are you selling them?

Shan said...

I was going to point out my favorite part, but somewhere after "... and don't mess up the hairdo this time!" I realized I laughed through the whole thing. So clever!

Double Wide Mom said...

What a GREAT idea! JAB! I need some toilet paper!

liz said...

Were you a librarian or school secretary at one point? Sounds like Sonny Boy's girlfriend is a woman after your own heart. She needs to become Sonny Boy's fiancee. :)

Can I make it that no one in a 50 mile radius has a JAB? Cuz then I want one! But just for me...

Velvet Over Steel said...

Ha... I love it! Not only are they very pretty :-) but very usefull!! I would like to place my order for a mini purse JAB with Pink please!! :-) ~ Coreen

fraizerbaz said...

LOL! Now THAT is funny! (I wish the JAB worked over the internet.)

Ms. Anthropy said...

I'm afraid I need a gong! Please make it pretty.

Brian said...

Shiny!

Ally said...

Betty, these bells are kick-ass! I love 'em. You're very talented, not just with writing but crafting as well.

PS Jim from The Office is mine, but we can share him :)

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

TS Hendrik said...

I love the bells! it would never have occurred to me to decorate them. That's just genius. And I am so going to start carrying around a bell with me to ring when I need service.

sarahjayne smythe said...

LMAO! Great post. The bells are beautiful. :)

Ann said...

Oh I just have to have a JAB. What a neat idea decorating them that way. I love em.

The Empress said...

Amazing how bedazzling something makes it beautiful. Can you do it to the rats?

sweetsue said...

What a wonderful idea! And I love your cute service bells!

Low Expectations said...

I want a JAB!! I love those!

You crack me up!

Lindy MacDuff said...

The bell bling is gorgeous. Never would have thought to do that, but then, I'm not artsy/crafty by nature.
As for JAB, I think you'd better get a patent on that right quick. You'll be a rich beyond your wildest dreams!

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

I LOVE it!! And the PERFECT antidote for rats dying behind the walls!!

Thanks for the laugh! I love your posts!!

Crystal Cook said...

Ok, this was just hilarious!

I mean really, truly, had me cracking up funny!

And those are sure some pretty bells :)

rtfgvb775 said...

IS VERY GOOD..............................

Eyegirl said...

The bells are pretty. I loved this post! Very funny. I think your JAB idea could catch on quickly!

Mia said...

You are in a large, impersonal book store, surrounded by high shelves of complicated fiction and thick anthologies of unintelligible poetry, but you want to be in Self-Help learning how to make people be more patient and self-reliant around you.

This is the funniest thing I've read all day.

Mainland Streel said...

Those bells almost look good enough to eat. So pretty! :)

JAB! :)

Sara said...

Ohhhhh, I've got news for you, Betty! Look what I found at Pier 1 a couple weeks ago!!

http://skeddy.blogspot.com/2011/01/ripping-off-bossy-betty.html