Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The Devil is a Cobbler


And he's making my shoes....


At a certain point in my life not too long ago I decided I should update my wardrobe-- you know, work on looking stylin' once again. This moment of clarity coincided with the realization that my children were now older and I could go to my job without someone's spit, vomit, or other bodily secretion upon my clothing.

It was quite exciting and I figured this was a golden age for me and I had better seize it before I get to the age where I once again have to be on the lookout for spit, vomit, and other bodily secretions--this time my own.

Now, for years I had thrown on my comfortable synthetic Mom clothes to to go work and along with those over-sized sweaters and big ol' chemically-based black pants, I wore some clunky black shoes--the kind McDonald's employees and convalescing elderly women wear. They were utilitarian to say the least. However, they got me from place to place, and at the end of the day my dogs were not barking, my children were still alive, and I was able to find my bed, so all my major life goals had been met.

I knew it was time for a change, So, doped up on hours and hours of "What Not to Wear" and rote, cult-like recitation of "I Love My Body" affirmation cards, I set out shopping and found delight in buying cute clothes that fit AND they were in colors other than black, off-black, and grey-black. This was cool. This was fun. I was having a good time...

HOWEVER....

In the center of this colorful carnival ride of fun was the grimy, oily, blackened-with-grit pole of truth: you can have all the great clothes you want, but if your shoes are drop-dead ugly, then the thoroughbred horses of style come to a griding halt and ain't nobody gonna ride the carousel of fashion fun.

So, I went to buy shoes. Now Betty is blessed with some fine lookin' feet, and just like with any work of art, the frame must be fitted just right for the artwork not to be damaged. My arches are high, my skin is delicate and I have just enough early 80's feminism to refuse to wear really high, hip-jutting, unnatural-gait-inducing, calf-killing, Achilles heel-shortening high, high heeled shoes. Really, I just wanted cute shoes that were comfortable. I walk around a lot during the day and I prefer not to be in searing pain as I do so.

Unreasonable?

Apparently so.

I bought cheap shoes, expensive shoes, flats, low-heeled, shiny shoes, shoes with no backs, shoes with no toes, shoes with straps, shoes with no straps. They all hurt. If they were cute, they hurt and they also slipped and chaffed and rubbed and...well, you get the idea.

I soon discovered that along with every shoe purchase came the inevitable purchase of Shoe Doo-Dads--those devices and aides to help the shoes fit and feel comfortable. These include various inserts, heel tape, heel cups, gel heel pads, arch supports, cushioned ball pads, seamless liners, footies, semi-footies, heel grips, toe posts, toe caps, slingback strips, peds, semi-peds, miracle shield, rub relief strips, and boxes and boxes of Band-Aids.


Examples of doo-dads.
Mable (my cat) basically destroys any gel inserts I leave in shoes, so all you see are the new ones here. The others are too sad.


I would estimate I have spent $1765.96 on shoes in the last year.

I have spent $2675.99 in the same amount of time on Shoe Doo-Dads.

I am thinking the Shoe Doo-Dads People are in cahoots with the New Shoe People. Dr. Scholl is sleeping with the Zappos Lady--you know what I am saying?

(Betty's Idea-of-the-Month Contribution to All of the World: Somebody needs to make a sock-like item that is soft on the inside, but hard plastic on the outside to take all the rubbing, pinching, and chaffing of shoes. The outside should look exactly like skin. Let's get on this--shall we people? Is it too much to ask all the people currently working on prosthetic limbs to dedicate just one lousy day to the development of this product? I didn't think so....)

So, what's a tender-footed gal like me to do? Well, I do wear my cute shoes to work most days. However, I kick them off when I'm in my office. (I actually have some house slippers under my desk.) I have a pair of comfortable flats for running to the xerox center on campus, and I have been known (occasionally) to walk around my classroom with no shoes on when the clock ticks past 2:00pm. I envy those women who can run around in high heels, but I am not one of them. I get by, but when I get home, it's sneaker time, baby.


When I die, whoever puts me in that box, urn, ocean, or hurridly-dug hole in the back yard had better put comfortable shoes on my feet for the occasion. Forget fashion on this day. Send me into the afterlife in my Eccos or my MBT's.

The Devil is a Cobbler. I've dealt with his shoes here on earth. They do not get to go with me to heaven. I don't care how cute they are.





39 comments:

Sara said...

They aren't super cute, but I highly recommend Danskos! Plus, in the summer, you can rock them with capris and skirts, all Pacific-Northwest-hippy like. (Not that I know anything about that.)

The only other whoa-comfy shoes I know of have a tall heel on them...

Madi and Mom said...

AMEN and the cobbler is a man who has never had to endure the pain of high heels.
I've been dealing with plantar fasciitis for several years. A Crocs store recently opened at our local mall.I was thrilled to learn that Crocs come in rather cute dressy stylish flats, sandals and sling backs. Crocs Rock!!!
Madi and MOm

sarahjayne smythe said...

OMG! I'm sitting here LMAO! Great post and so very true. The part about kicking off your shoes and walking around your classroom barefoot is so me. :)

DrSoosie said...

Okay...now you are speaking my language...shoes that is!!! I do bow to the alter of Carrie Bradshaw (and her amazing shoe collection!) However, like you, I have a firm rule. COMFORT first..at all costs....even good looks. My shoes are all housed in my closet with special care but I tend to wear the same ones over and over again. I would have to say the ones that combine the best looks with comfort are Cole Haans. you go girl...keep those hoofs comfy and blister free...the rest of your body will thank you for it!

Crystal Cook said...

Love this!! Why are all the cute shoes so painful? It just isn't fair :)

And i think it's awesome you sometimes walk around without shoes after 2

Another great one Betty!

Ally said...

I'm so not a woman when it comes to shoes. I still have like 5 pairs of Doc Martens (punk shoes I wore in high school, yes I still purchase these), Pumas, workout sneakers and 1000 flip-flops. I swear I have the shoe wardrobe of a 1980s kid.

FourthGradeNothing.com

Joe Cap said...

I don't wear shoes any more than I have to. Barefoot all the way, as often as I can!

Sara said...

I heard that sketchers are so comfortable to wear. I dont think the yare super dressy, but my friends swear by them.

Have a great day and thank you so much for stopping by!

Lindy MacDuff said...

Amen! And I love your idea-of-the-month contribution!

fraizerbaz said...

When I was 19, I worked in a shoe store. I learned then that (for the most part) shoes that LOOKED good didn't always FEEL good.

It's a shame that we have to sacrifice beauty for comfort, and vice versa.

Vodka Logic said...

I don't own a pair of heels.. I could never make it. I have bad knees besides.

I agree the devil is a cobbler, besides there is vodka in heaven

Noelle said...

Have you tried Borns? Cute and comfy! I am NOT a heel girl!!!

Lidian said...

Like Ally, I only have comfortable and flat shoes lurking in my closet - running shoes, flats to wear with dresses/skirts, sandals, nothing with a heel. My knees will not take heels (if that makes any sense) - so I clomp around. I must admit that I often wear old black crocs around the house, to the dismay of the rest of the household :)

JennyMac said...

In the center of this colorful carnival ride of fun was the grimy, oily, blackened-with-grit pole of truth: you can have all the great clothes you want, but if your shoes are drop-dead ugly, then the thoroughbred horses of style come to a griding halt and ain't nobody gonna ride the carousel of fashion fun.

Best sentence. EVER.

and I dont even know about shoe doo dads...but I do love a killer pair of heels and wore heels even 9 months pregnant. I am lucky that for now, heels do not hurt my feet a bit. :)

Pat Tillett said...

Great post! But what is it with you women and your shoes. And Purses?

Ms. Anthropy said...

And another devil makes bras! My Mom used to say... "The barer the foot, the freer the sole!" "Soul" works, too.

Writing Without Periods! said...

Ahem, sista. I'm all about comfort with style. I like "Me Toos" they are comfy and stylish.
Borns are too.
Mary

Joann Mannix said...

Oh, girl, I am such a high heeled girl, it's not even funny! You get used to it after a while.

I, too, have great feet and my toes are perfect. I feel like God gives every person one perfect thing when he creates them. I just wish mine hadn't been toes. Kind of a waste, really. I'd rather have perfect hair.

liz said...

Oh, Betty - I just love you! Another great story by a fabulous story teller. I'm all for taking off my shoes at work (when I did work). I had no qualms about walking around the office in barefeet. I also didn't mind sitting cross-legged with a skirt on if my desk bumped up against a wall and I knew I wasn't flashing anyone.

Michelle said...

I love shoes but I so agree with what you said, it really seems like beauty is pain! My mom was right.

Feeling Just Right said...

You've given me a lot of shoe aid info here! Thanks!

p.s. love your shoes!

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

I love to buy shoes, but I prefer the comfy ones.I have a ton!
A good quality of shoes I think it's a must.
xx

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

B Betty, What a great post! I love your sense of humour,
Betty xxx

The Girl Next Door Grows Up said...

They totally are in ca-hoots. I hear 60 minutes is doing a report on that :-)

Jennifer said...

The Thoroughbred horses of style bucked me off long ago I am afraid, it is all about comfort for me! (And cheap...I am really cheap when it comes to shoes) Great story! Love your sense of humor, your blog always makes my day.

Eyegirl said...

You seriously have the best blog ever. I'm so glad I found you! I just love you posts.

Cheeseboy said...

Personally, I thought the devil worked for the IRS or the Postal Service. However, if you spent that much on shoes, I can go with the cobbler thing.

Marlene said...

Oh my gosh - you are a HOOT!!!!!! So glad I found your blog! I'm following! (And not just cuz you're following mine!)

Miss Fit said...

I wear a pair once a year. I don't think it's fair women in the work force have to wear such evil contraptions. I have some really cute Danskos sandles that I wear with dresses, skirts and capris. Hope you find something that works for you!

Mellisa Rock said...

I see that you are getting the comment love that your post's deserve!! Soo Happy for you! I loved this post - I am a little sad that I am getting almost too old for flip flops - I have been giving a lot of thought to my wardrobe and shoe selection lately too. Thanks for a good laugh this morning!

Tracie said...

I feel your pain. Literally. I wear Birkenstocks or tennis shoes every day of my life. I can't stand shoes that hurt.

OLLIE MCKAY'S ~ A Chic Boutique said...

I'm laughing so hard at the pic of the shoes!! Because. . . . .I have tons of old shoes ~ I NEVER wear them - they're out of style - I just don't want to part with them - why???, I don't know!! But this has moved me to get going on getting rid of some of them! Thanks for sharing! Have a happy day!

The Empress said...

Hilarious!! Had to read it twice. I love it.

And I love the idea for the all-in-one sock. They'd sell like hotcakes at Costco.

Brilliant post.

SogniSorrisi said...

I totally feel your pain--no pun intended!

Leanne said...

Betty - this post had me laughing OUT LOUD! It reminds me of a similar post I last September - about Spanx being the Anti-christ. I'm ALL ABOUT the devil being a cobbler. SO funny! You are fantastic!

Mommy on the Spot said...

I HATE shoe shopping! HATE IT!! I now wear my cross trainers almost everywhere. I want something cuter and less clunky for the summer. I just don't know if I have the emotional strength to go shoe shopping.

I hear you lout and clear on this post!!

Mainland Streel said...

Ugh, shoes and I don't get along either. Expensive, cheap, heels, no heels...doesn't matter. They all hurt.

I always wear slippers at work too. :)

Bitsy Baby Photography said...

this was so great to read, and SO true =) stumbled in here from another blog... somewhere... ultimately beginning at the UBP! Great to be in touch.

Shan said...

Bossy Betty, you are singing my song! I have one pair of reasonably comfortable shoes. They are my brown and dark green waterproof hiking boots. I've had them six years and wish they went with everything.

(Not sure how I missed this post earlier, but glad to have found it.)