Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Is It Cold In Here Or Is It Just Half Of Me?


As a new mother, the one thing you want to do is get out of the house and rejoin society, if only for a little bit.

When Sonny Boy was a baby, I was alone with him all day in a house with a TV that received only a single station--a local one that ran mostly infomercials, including one they ran over and over and over about a truck driving school.

Now, I had nearly completed my master's degree in English, but due to post-pregnancy hormones, a lack of sleep, and a lack of relatives and friends around to visit and snap me out of it, I was nearly convinced that long haul trucking could just be the career for me. Freedom! Money! The Thrill of the Open Road! "It really is a GREAT career!" said the good-looking man beside the door of his big rig and who seemed to be looking right at me.

"Oh yes," I whispered as rocked back and forth, folding onesies and winding up the Swing-O-Matic to which Sonny Boy was addicted.

After one such day, I announced to HOB (Husband of Betty) that unless he wanted to lose me to the romance and excitement of the open road, we really had to get out of the house and go out to dinner. I took a shower and fixed my hair before he got home from work in anticipation of my re-entry into the world.

Now, we were new, nervous parents--especially HOB. He wanted to protect his firstborn and was somewhat reluctant to the whole idea. However, the glazed look in my eyes told him that he had better get the baby in the car seat and start up the engine of the car. Sonny Boy was only about five weeks old. At that time, I was the ultimate Dairy Queen--a lactating machine open 24/7. I carefully prepared myself for my journey into the outside world by feeding the boy before we got in the car. Then, I pulled out a knit shirt with packets strategically placed so that if there was a problem with the pumps, I'd have just a little extra coverage.

I sat in the back seat with the baby and envisioned our time out at Happy Steak--Home of the Dancing Spud. (No, I am not making that up. That was our favorite restaurant. And yes, their mascot really was a dancing potato.)

However, on our way Sonny Boy got fussy, then mad, and then irate. HOB got nervous and jumpy. "What's wrong with him?" he shouted back at me. "I'm not sure!" I yelled up to him as I saw Happy Steak whiz by our window.

"Where are we going?' I asked as I pulled out toys, tried the pacifier, anything to get Sonny Boy to calm down. Nothing seemed to be working. "No time for Happy Steak!" HOB called back. "We'll go to McDonalds!" Oh great, I thought. Well, at least I would be getting out among people again. Sonny Boy was still wailing when we pulled up. HOB, yelled back, "It's gotta be the drive through!"

I started to protest, but was nearly thrown out the door of the car by the wild swerving of HOB pulling in the drive-through lane.

So there, I was in the back seat when HOB tossed the bag o' food back to me. By this time, Sonny Boy had calmed down some, so instead of going home, we sat in the parking lot and ate--me in the back seat and HOB in the front. The grocery store was just next door and so I begged HOB to stay with Sonny Boy in the car while I just ran in for a few things. (I don't think I really needed anything, I just wanted to walk down the aisles and feel normal again.)

He agreed, but told me to hurry. I went in the store and started to pick up items. It had been so long since I had been shopping by myself. It was sort of thrilling.

What was REALLY thrilling though was the reaction I was getting from men in the store. That shower and shampoo had obviously done the trick. I was apparently was still attractive to men in general. I made subtle eye contact with some just to let them know that I knew they appreciated the beauty I was. I as SO happy to know I still had IT! I stood in line and smiled, chatted it up with the checkout guy who was apparently entranced by me. I stood up straight, flipped back my hair, and walked out of the store slowly, so they could appreciate the view. I got back into the car. I was a new woman. I was beaming when I got back to the car.

Sonny Boy was getting fussy again. "Where's his pacifier?" asked HOB, looking between the seats of the car. I began looking too, but just a glance downward told me where it was. I had stick it, nipple up, in the pocket on my knit shirt. I had just paraded around the grocery store with a giant nipple on my left breast.

Needless to say, I was in no hurry to get back to the grocery store, or even out and about in our relatively small town.

In fact, that job in long-haul trucking was looking better and better....

12 comments:

Mellisa Rock said...

OMG -- I think I might have just shot a little coffee out of my nose.

Very funny!

It can be very isolating stay at home with the kids...I can totally relate to just wanting to be normal and getting a thrill out of walking the aisles for a thrill.

Have a great week...thanks for the laugh (in the kindest way possible) this morning!

JennyMac said...

HHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA...I am so sorry but yes, a giant nipple will certainly make you the hit of the grocery store. :) LOL.

Michelle said...

Point taken, will be doing a nipple check before I leave the house after baby comes lol

Eyegirl said...

Haha. That's hysterical. Awesome post. I'm sure you were quite the hit around town.

LittleSilkDress said...

Haha Thank you for a good laugh! Great post.

Alissa said...

Ha ha. That's was hilarious. Great story! On more than one occasion in my own life, I have considered truck driving as a viable career option, and this was without infomercials encouraging me.

Erin said...

Very cute story! : )

Brian said...

I'm sorry your unintentional fashion statement never caught on.

Shan said...

So I said to myself, "Self, do NOT read Bossy Betty while eating again. Ever. Next time you might choke to death. Or ruin the keyboard."

fraizerbaz said...

That is hilarious! What a great story!

Denise Burks said...

lololol

oh betty!

lololol

Shan said...

Do you know I never reread books and I rarely rewatch movies? It's true. Yet I just reread this post and it was just as good this time as it was almost a year ago (whew, time's a flyin'!).