Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Bossy Betty's Handy Guide to Purse Shopping: Ladies! Use Your Heads!

That's a seven-head bag mistake.

Fashion: It's a tough world out there and a girl could use some guidelines.

I've seen some giant bags on some little-headed people lately which makes me think that perhaps not everyone follows the same guidelines that I do when it comes to purse purchasing.

You see, for years my theory has been, the smaller your head, the smaller your bag should be and vice-versa.

Now, I happen to be a small-skulled person with some very large-skulled friends. (In terms of drink sizes, mine is the free water cup at Taco Bell and theirs are Double Big Gulps from 7-11.) Don't get me wrong. They are perfectly proportioned and stunning. Moreover, these big-headed gals can carry off the look of a big bag with no problem. However, if they try to carry small, cutesy bags, it looks as if Bigfoot has escaped from the forest and has stolen Barbie's First Purse.

I, on the other hand, have a small head. It's really small. (OK, OK, it's not TLC Special "My Head is the Size of a Softball" size, but once at a party HOB measured everyone's head and mine was the smallest.) If I were to carry a big purse, people would stop and stare at me to make sure I was not one of the shrunken Olsen Twins carrying off a freakishly large baby.

So, my rule of thumb (head) is that purses should not be bigger than one and a half of your heads.


It's easy and fun to test for this in the store.

One method is to simply place the bag over your head. Then, place the thumb of one hand on your nose and the palm of your other hand on your temple. Measure for the half-head, then move the nose hand over to the temple while keeping the distance between the hands. Easy, right?

If you prefer, simply take a balloon with you into the store. When you find a purse you like, blow up the balloon to half your head size when flattened. (The balloon, not your head.) Having trouble with this? Ask a passerby to compare the balloon and your head as you hold it up next to your head, flattening the balloon against the side of your head. Strangers will understand completely and love to help. Next, stick your head in the bag and then squeeze the balloon in. Snug fit? Fine. Too much room? You may move to a bigger purse. Balloon Pop? Move on to another selection and if this happens several times in a shopping trip, consult a otologist for help with possible hearing damage.

A third possibility is to find someone in the store who has half your head size and ask her to please stick her head in the bag with you. Again, making friends while shopping can be fun and easy.

Fear not! As soon as my selection process becomes more popular, stores will stock fake styrofoam heads and half heads in a variety of sizes for your convenience. I can see them stacked up there by the front door next to the Shopping Hats.

(By the way, the stores are not really moving on my invention of The Shopping Hat. Perhaps public outcry is warranted. I set you readers loose to do what you will to bring these hats into being.)

(Click on the words "Shopping Hat" above for a link to this all-important subject.)


Unknown said...

Mine is way way way bigger than my head!!

But you see -- as a mother of 4 and wife I am often asked to hold everyone's stuff and still have to have room for my necessities -- ya know like the empty journal that I carry everywhere and all those receipts that I MUST keep then -- then end up throwing away when I have to clean it out to find my keys!!

Happy Wednesday!

Lazy Pineapple said...

I too personally hate the huge contraptions people carry in the name of fashion. They look like homeless people(Rich) with half their world packed in it. What about your shoulder?

I love your fanatastic idea of using the 'head -rule'.Will try it next time. I hope I don't get thrown out of a shop. Tee hee

Sara said...

I love that you've just justified my large bag with my Super Big Gulp-sized noggin. Life is happy once again.

Michelle @ Delicate Construction said...

I love your writing style- it is hilarious, oh and my bag is probably 1/2 a head or so too big but I will keep this in mind when I buy my next one. lol

crunchyveganwifelife said...

OH MY GOSH! I nearly died reading your blogs! I have never laughed this much while by myself...other than when I think of witty things in my head and the woman standing in front of me in the Wal-mart check out lane turns and glares at me because she thinks I am laughing at her shoes...which I wasn't...I was laughing at her there! I do not remember how I found your blog, but I am keeping it close. Life is too short, and I needed a good laugh! Oh look a new baby name...mothomb...LOL

Shan said...

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but... I reject your methodology completely.

If I were to carry a bag that was 1.5 times the size of my head, why, I'd have to *fill* that bag with crap I don't have room for now. Don't worry, since about age 22 I've moved beyond the keys and license sized purses and on to something a little roomier. I can get my phone and sunglasses in there, too. And some random receipts that I never needed to keep. That's it.

Cal said...

This cracked me up...definitely the first time I've heard that purse theory!!!

Unknown said...

People would stop and stare at me to make sure I was not one of the shrunken Olsen Twins carrying off a freakishly large baby. shein coupons