Saturday, November 14, 2009

Bossy Betty's Binge

For My Own Protection

Betty's got a problem--a Big Problem. It seems to be getting worse too.

You see, I've been on a binge lately.

A Book Binge.

Yesterday, for the second time in a week, I sat for hours and hours devouring a single book. Front cover to back. I ate it up. I couldn't stop.

Yes, it was my day off and I had other things to do.

In fact, I had a list.

I had laundry, grocery shopping, general hygiene to accomplish, but I got my drug of choice in my hands in the morning and didn't do any of those those things. I didn't even go outside of the house until I had finished the last page around 6:00pm.

Now normally, Betty's a work-before-pleasure, delayed-gratification, eat-your-vegetables-before-drinking-your-cup-of-corn-syrup kind of gal. And I really did I used to be able to control myself--do the sensible reading thing. I could read a chapter or two, put the book down, go do other things, come back, read another couple of chapters, etc. etc. Lately though, the need to read good novels is SO strong. It's got a hold on me, man. Got to have it. Give me the stuff. Take my book away and I'll snatch your scalp clean off your head.

What happened?

I have several theories:

1) Depletion of necessary nutrients:
I read A LOT of student papers during the week. Many of these are very bad papers--no, I mean VERY BAD. A steady diet of these papers surely depletes some vital vitamin-like substance in my brain and so gorging on these novels is my body's desperate attempt to correct this imbalance. It's instinctual, and therefore, beyond my control.

2) Feline Mind Power:
Mable, my cat, is always beside me on the bed when these binges begin. Coincidence? Hummm.... Perhaps. Perhaps not. As we all know, she has the ability to control my actions though her thought-waves. It is clear she considers me merely a large, warm, human pillow upon which she can heave her incredible bulk. She knows my weakness and capitalizes on it for her own benefit. I read all day and she gets the Stay Put, Heat-Generating Body Buddy.

3) Use of Excessive Reading to Mask Larger Issues of Potential Mental Problems Due to Overwork:

Issues? What issues? Who wrote that? What's going on here? I'm normal, I tell you. Everything is just fine! It is! Lots of people chew on Crayons. That's why they're are so conveniently shaped and come in handy carrying packs just right for a meal or a snack.

Today I am trying to stay away from the stuff and rejoin society. I have already successfully gone to the bathroom without a book in my hands. It will be a slow process, but I can do it.

Wish me luck, people.

Better yet, is there, like, you know, a book or something I could read that would help me with this problem? You know, just to get me through the morning and then I'd stop.

Really, I would.


Brian said...

If your reading habit doesn't threaten your job, your family, your friendships, or your health, then I say read on. I believe reading is our natural state -- everything else is secondary, except perhaps music. And maybe certain foreign films. Without reading we are just neurotic little monkeys trapped in our dark little boxes peeping through a tiny hole at what's happening out there in the great God-knows-what.

So keep on reading, but if you start tearing up the title page into tiny pieces and then smoking them in a bong, or if you find yourself boiling down the Library of Congress information into an injectable pulp, then remember that Passages Malibu is but a short drive away.

LittleSilkDress said...

I have to agree with Brian. Read on! Sometimes a day of binge reading is necessary. It's like oxygen...

Anonymous said...

i like to chew on the orange crayons whiSt reading dickens and completing mensa crossword puzzles.

read, read on, and read some more. it is the antidote to BAD BAD writing. it makes all seem well, and peaceful, and like there is hope literacy will not die.


Bossy Betty said...

Bless you my enablers! Bless you!