Saturday, September 12, 2009

Oh, Did You Think We Were Done? Because We're Not Done.

I felt a follow up posting about the whole left/right things was in order since I got some fairly high and mighty e-mails from family members and some friends touting how darn special they were since they could tell their lefts from their rights. Now, I have seen some of these same people get lost in their own cars (no, I really do mean INSIDE their own cars) so I am beginning to believe the tone of these letters is a desperate attempt to deny the truth that they know exists.

That's fine. I'll wait for us ALL to learn self-acceptance and love. I've got time.

I have also done some research on the subject and found I am not alone in the universe. According to Wikipedia, "Left/right confusion is the difficulty some people have in distinguishing the difference between the directions left and right. It afflicts an estimated 15% of the population." I have also discovered some posts (thanks to the comment left by Anonymous) of people who have the same problem. One refers to his right side as the "watch" side and others report pinching their fingers together to remind themselves which hand they write with.

(Mini tangent ahead.) So, how do you all remember which knob to turn to get hot water and which to get cold? Oh sure, it's easy if you have H and C printed on them. (I relied on that until HOB once switched them during a plumbing repair.) But how about those kitchen faucets that don't have any knobs? You know the kind you just move the lever around on? Well, I will be forever grateful to one of my sisters who once told me her secret. She just remembers the phrase "RC Cola" and thinks R (right) C (cold). That helped, so all I have to do now is:

1) stand in front of the faucet
2) murmur "RC Cola"
3)put my hand over my heart
4) flip faucet in correct direction.

This has been a real time saver for me.

(Another tangent ahead, slightly longer than last.) What I really confuses me is when faucets and car heating system guides rely on the colors red and blue to indicate hot and cold. Quick: does Blue stand for cold or does Red stand for cold? If you get really cold you can be both red (blood rushing to your extremities) or you can be blue (blood leaving extremities to go take care of important organs). So, shouldn't blue stand for HOT? If a piece of metal is sitting in front of you and it is throbbing with heat it may very well be blue. Are you going to touch it expecting it to be cold? Well, are you? According to the heating/cooling guides painted on the dashboard of your car, you can just go right ahead! Didn't we all learn in school that the blue part of the flame is hotter than the red? So when you are sitting in your car and you are freezing, aren't you going to want the fastest heat possible? Isn't that the blue part of the flame? Yes! Slide the lever to blue and you get cold air! What's that all about?

(Even longer, more bizzare, but final, tangent ahead.) After sliding my credit card through the little glowing box at the check-out of my favorite grocery store, I am required to write my signature on the line provided there, with the magical (though germ-ladened) pen. After I sign, I must peck at the screen, marking one of two boxes: "Accept" or "Clear." The "Clear" box is on the right-hand side, so naturally, I go there. My first thought upon seeing this box is that it indicates, "OK! Cleared for take-off! Take me to the next step! I am hereby affirming my signature is Clear and easy to read!" so naturally, I will peck at "Clear" only to find that I have to sign again.

Apparently, the correct answer is "Accept." Hummm.... Very tricky.

Is this perhaps a ploy to make you stay in the store longer? Perhaps they hope your eye will drift to the "Traveler's Box" of Dark Chocolate located at the register among all the other impulse items and you will decide to make an additional purchase as the signature box re-sets itself. While I am struggling with the whole signature thing, I often hear the woman behind me sighing loudly, obviously softly voicing her agreement with me that the whole thing is designed to confuse the shopper. I look back and give her that sisterly "I Know!" look.

OK, Betty's finished now. I was going to get started on people who give me directions using words like "South," "North," "East," and "West," but I'd just get too worked up and Elvis is coming to our community park tonight for a big show. I need to stay calm and pretty for the big event.

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