Monday, July 6, 2009

No Flowers Today. Instead, Materialistic Betty Discusses the Finer Things and Muses About Animated Kitchen Appliances

Would She Want the Aisle or Window Seat on the Plane?

If I had to pick one kitchen appliance to take with me on vacation, it would be my rice cooker. No, I don't mean take it with me as in to use, I mean as to animate and take with me as a companion.

Why? Because it's cool! It's hip! It's complicated enough to be interesting, but not so much as to be confusing. It would be, like, the most popular animated appliance at the bar or nightclub. I mean, come on--could you say the same about a toaster? An electric skillet? A popcorn popper? (OK, OK, a popcorn popper might be a fun travelling companion, though a bit monotonous and waaaayyyyyy too perky.)

Now, I understand that some people do not understand the appeal of a rice cooker. "Hey, Betty," they say in flat, dull voices, "Get a pan, get some water, add rice, heat, simmer, and eat."

OH! Apparently they've never had a Stainless Steel Zojirushi Micom 3 Cup Rice Cooker and Warmer with Micro-Computerized Fuzzy Logic Technology with Timer and Four Menu Selections.

Poor dears. They mock the pretty girls in ball gowns of velvet, all the while pretending to like their burlap dresses.

Now, this is not a cheap-o rice cooker from Fry's or Target. I had one of those for years and actually built up some pretty good arm muscles from scraping the burnt rice off the bottom. No, my friends, this little beauty will set you back some ($131.88 at Amazon). However, you'll be glad you went for it. You can cook black, white or brown rice in it and they all come out perfectly. You can also cook other grains in it (need I remind you what it is the Year Of?) and it makes fantastic Steel Cut Oats.

But wait! There's more! It has a cool timer so you tell it you want your rice done at 6:00 and at 6:00 it's done. I love to come home to the smell of black rice cooking in the kitchen. It's like joining a party at the absolute best time, like going to the liquor-flowing wedding reception without attending the long, long, long wedding mass.

You want your oatmeal at 7:14 in the morning? Set the timer the night before. Add some brown sugar and cinnamon before you push the cook button. At 7:14 your Oatmeal Lover gently nudges you awake with a tender little song and gently, thoughtfully caresses you all over your body with an aroma that surrounds you, slowly but surely igniting your senses. Excitement and tranquility flood your body and mind.

When's the last time you had that happen in the morning?*

So next time I pack my bags for Hawaii or Vegas, and I stop to consider which appliance, if animated, I'd take with me for some good time fun, I think it's a safe bet that it would be my rice cooker.** I mean, look at it: it's attractive, it's got a great sense of timing and it has a beautiful singing voice.

My guess is we'd get a lot of drinks sent to us as we sat in the booth at the night club, just a couple of hot gals, blowing off steam and cooking up some good times.

*Though it is tempting, do not use your with your rice cooker as a substitute for a true meaningful human relationship. It just doesn't work out. Don't ask me how I know. I just do.

**Please don't tell my mixer!

1 comment:

Neal Bertrand said...
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