Friday, February 13, 2009

Bossy Betty, The Baby, and The Badgers

Now that Beauty Week is officially over and we have reviewed how to lube up one's face until it is nearly incandescent, and how to hitch up that same face with scotch tape and elastic bands, we can point our moisturized skin and taut countenances toward the future and see what it holds.

Betty's immediate future holds a visit to the Apple Store to belly up to the "Genius Bar" to see what is ailing her laptop. "The Baby" as I call my computer, started having indigestion trouble on Monday when I updated some whatchmadiggers and installed some diddlywhats as I was instructed to do by the Gods of All at Apple. As soon as I installed these, small badgers snuck inside my computer and took up residence. I can hear them, clicking away in there with small ratchets, fiddling with my programs and slowing everything down. Their first endeavor was an attempt to block my contact with the outside world by destroying my Internet Browser.

Compounding this problem is Baby's bad battery problem and a slightly broken neck. About a month ago, I was carrying the laptop with the top open (bad idea) when I dropped it (another bad idea) and discovered that there are just a whole lot of connections between the laptop top and the keyboard. (Note to Apple: bad idea? I am not sure if you are using the human body as a model, but when that connection between the head (screen) and body (computer) goes, it can have dire consequences. I don't want to bring up the sad story of the Superman actor but, really, did we not learn anything from his tragedy? Let's work a bit on that design, shall we?)

So yesterday Betty wrapped The Baby up in its finest swaddling clothes and took it to the Apple store at the mall and entered full of hope. There, at the back of the store were the ones who could help my injured and badger-infected Baby: the Geniuses at the Genius Bar.

I cradled the injured Baby in my arms and began my walk back to the glowing Bar only to be stopped by on Orange Shirt Boy #1 who wanted to know if I had an appointment. With moist eyes and luminous skin, I shook my head and began to get the Baby out to show him just why I needed this appointment. He quickly directed me to Orange Shirt Boy #2, probably giving him the Secret Apple Sign that means "Alert! Loony Lady coming your way!"

I kept my gaze upon the Genius Bar as I explained the Orange Shirt Boy #2 that no, I did not have an appointment, but I was sure it would not take much time.... Once again, I attempted to withdraw the Baby from its pouch when he held up his hand. This Orange Android's heart as not SOFTware at all, but was HARDware. There were no appointments available until tomorrow at 12:30 he told me. I glanced down at his appointment chart and saw the times blocked off with names and notations: 4:00 Liz G: Can't get I-Tunes loaded. 4:30 Peter D: Difficulty with Editing Software. Oh Please. "Excuse Me!" I wanted to yell out, "Is there NO TRIAGE here? Hello! I've got a baby here with a bad battery, a broken neck, and a ratchet-wielding badgers infestation! Besides that, I've got a blog to keep up. People are waiting for the Grain of the Month recipe!"

I am sure if I had this explosion, they would have rushed me right up there. "Oh, my gosh! You've got a blog to maintain? We forgot it's The Year of Grains! Why didn't you say so?" they would have said, pushing the woman with the trivial I-Tunes problem to the floor to make room for me. I enjoyed playing out this inevitable scenario in my mind, but those years of training by my children paid off. I decided to "chill out" and not make a scene this time.

So, I am using HOB's computer right now. I am grateful to have it to use, but using someone else's computer is a little like staying at a hotel. It's good to have what you need, and it can even be fun at first, but then, despite the free ice and soap, you just want to get out and go home where it's comfortable, familiar and you know where everything is.

(You will notice there is no fun, colorful picture accompanying this post because when we had a "tutorial" on how to install and then export pictures, HOB's patience gene imploded. I mean it just went Poof! Fast! Wow! He is not naturally patient and good at sharing like Betty is. When I pointed this out to him, he merely confirmed through his reaction my salient observation.)

The next time I write to you, I am hoping it is on The Baby, badger-free, sitting on my lap, right where it belongs.

Until then, Betty Fans!

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