Thursday, January 22, 2009

Bossy Betty: Troublemaker, Rabblerouser, Agitator-at-Large

NO PICTURE ON THIS POST! I CAN'T RISK IT!




Now that I have passed a certain milestone in my life, I have decided to cast aside the "Good Girl" motif by which I have lived my entire life. Just as the swimsuits sold at the Big Box Stores are displayed on the clear plastic molds of the perfect woman's body, for too long Betty has hung her personality on society's pre-molded notion of "Nice." (Note to Readers: Sleeping in those molds that come with the swimsuits has no apparent effect on one's actual body shape, but does cause an unsightly rash and harsh red marks on one's sides.)


Oh, yeah. It's time to get a little edgy, radical, a little irascible, maybe even a little petulant, just for good measure. Betty's throwing in TWICE the amount of cloves into the Oatmeal Raisin Cookies of Life and she doesn't care if you like it or not!! Whooooo!


OK, so here's my first bold act: You all may remember my post about Lunesta and how much I dug that moth who comes flitting into people's homes, granting sleep to all those who have the grace to swallow the sacred pill. Well, on the day I posted that particular little article meant to amuse you, I noticed that my little clicker recording how many visitors come to see me went a little crazy. Hummm....I thought and dug around in the website that hosts to the little clicker thing and found that the fine folks at Sepracor in Marlborough, MA had looked at the posting about fifteen times and from what I could see were passing it around some and viewing my profile as well. I am sure they were merely admiring my witty writing style. Those large, research-based pharmaceutical companies are always looking for authors to give their dull warning labels a little pizazz.

Old warning: "The most common adverse events reported with Brovana were pain, chest pain, back pain, diarrhea and sinusitis."


Love the term "adverse events"!! I think I'll keep it.


New "Betty" Warning: "Sure, there may be some adverse events associated with wimpy people who take Brovana, but what's life without a few adverse events? If you want that kind of life, maybe you should just buy yourself an isolation chamber and stick yourself in there. Life is all about adverse events and how you deal with them is the measure of your character. Think about the great figures in literature and film. Adverse events are exactly what shaped Gatsby, Hamlet, and that unshaven guy Bruce Willis plays in the Die Hard movies. You want a life without adverse events? Take another medication. This one's not for weaklings like you. If, on the other hand, you are a decent person who fully understands that life is about hard work and overcoming obstacles, then by all means, help yourselves to this drug, and lots of it."

(How about it, Sepracor? Am I hired? Huh? Huh?)

However, I must give my writing friends at Sepracor kudos for the fine job they have done with this description of what might happen when taking Lunesta:

"After taking Lunesta, you may get up out of bed while not being fully awake and do an activity that you do not know you are doing.

The next morning you may not remember that you did anything during the night. Reported activities include:

Driving a car
Making and eating food
Talking on the phone
Having sex
Sleep-walking."

I think that's rather attention-getting, (and somewhat appealing) don't you? Those Lunesta users are just getting a whole lot done during the night. If only they could throw in "Grading Papers" and "Cleaning the Bathroom" I'd be sold completely!

My hope is that the employee at Sepracor in Marlborough, MA whose sole job it is track down references made to their fine products which include Xopenex, Brovana, and Alvesco, in the blogs of middle-aged women is enjoying this post. I want to send a big howdy out to that employee. (Hey! Why not become a follower? Have you checked out the cookie recipes on this blog? Are you getting enough grains in your diet?)

From what I can ascertain from my research, the Judds have no such corporation tracking down people using their names. If you recall I suggested that perhaps Mama Judd had used the moth. Let us not forget that the word "Mother" contains the word "Moth" which leads Betty's Brain in a whole new direction. Look how the word could be used as code: "It's getting late. Time for Moth-er to go to bed!" "I need to Moth-er my daughter so she can get her beauty rest." Ohhhh....

For those readers who decide to come on this wild little pony ride with Betty, I'll report back on the number of times Sepracor shows a fervent interest in my creative writing skills. And don't be surprised if at times, in totally unrelated posts, the word "Lunesta" just pops up. It's just a way of thanking all my readers in Marlborough, MA (while also adding to that Clicker Count!) Wait a minute! Isn't MA an synonym for Mother? Hummmmm. OH OH. Betty's brain is tired. This Being-an-Agitator thing is exhausting. I think it's time to put in a call to my Moth-er.

See you after the papers are graded and the bathroom is clean!

--Betty

P.S. to Sonny Boy: Mama's a radical now! Aren't you proud?

4 comments:

Susan said...

Give 'em hell, BB!

Anonymous said...

WELL! I think you should take on the giant dissolving Ambien that floats above people's head while they sleep and seems to drip sleep onto them. That's creepy.

Then there is AstraZeneca, who can help people pay for their expensive drugs if one can't afford it. I don't even know what they make.

And what about those fiber pills for people who apparently don't eat any so they must take a pill that contains "the same fiber found in fruits, vegetables, and nuts"? Just eat an apple.

BB, you have gotten PG all worked up. I think I will calm down by cooking some eggs in my egg genie. Now, if only I had a Shamwow to clean up that giant dissolving pill.

pg

Brian said...

I hate it when they play sappy music and show people living fulfilling lives, like chopping onions or hugging their grandchildren. Not that these things are bad, of course -- it just seems so manipulative, and all the commercials for all the different drugs are basically the same. And I hate this latest trend where, instead of just having the narrator give all the adverse info, they have some dork actor pretending to be a doctor do it.

Bossy Betty said...

OH! You should visit the Sepracor website! I just want to live in that world. Everyone is so darn happy.

I like the drug ads in which they do not identify what ailment the drug is used for, they just tell you to "ask your doctor if _______ is right for you."