Sunday, December 21, 2008

All I Want For Christmas...


Ever since I saw my first Spike Strip, I knew it would be a handy device to have.  In case you are one of those uninformed people who actually changes the channel when the high speed chase comes on,  a spike strip is a device used by the Highway Patrol that can be shot across a street or road and deflates the tires of the speeding driver.  I've done some research, and, understandably, these devices are not sold to the general public.   While I understand the reluctance of our law enforcement officials not to share this technology, I do think I should be an exception.

I have provided above the proto-type of the spike strip device I am requesting.  It looks like tape measure and like a tape measure would have a clip on the back that I could easily attach to my attractive  jogging pants.  (I also ask that the clip be made of a smooth metal so as to avoid rips and tears to the material of my pants--these suckers are are not cheap.)  I would simply attach this device to the waistband my pants for my early morning walks (any chance of getting an I-Pod built in?) and proceed as I do each and every morning, walking down my street.  

Now, there exists in our society certain people who believe that just because it is 6:00am, they have the right to barrel down a street at excessive speeds, ignoring all traffic rules and regulations.  One person in particular springs to my mind when I think of Hell-Bent Nut Jobs. Both his mouth and his exaggerated muffler serve as exhaust systems in the early morning air as he wantonly steers his Super Raised Ram 680 Turbo-Powered Super-Stroke Dominator Truck/Crisis in Self-Esteem.   The Cancer Stick writhes like a sardine between his crusty lips, as he careens down the street at top speed in the early morning light.  What this gentleman needs is just a little reminder to slow down--that life passes by all too quickly and we need to stop and enjoy ourselves instead of crashing through the solace of the early morning, creating havoc and sending decent people out walking in the morning scurrying for the safety of front porches.
 
That's where Betty's Little Helper comes in.  One little push of a button from my personal spike strip and I help another fellow human being gain perspective and a real appreciation for the importance of safety on our public roads.  I promise to use the device judiciously.  (I hope you can create one that can retract and I can use over and over again!  I promise to keep the spikes nice and sharp!  I'd take really good care of it! Oh Pleeeeeeeeese?)  

Let us all sing with the Collared Lizard my new favorite Christmas Song:

All I Want for Christmas Is My Own Spike Strip
My Own Spike Strip,
Yes, My Own Spike Strip.
All I Want for Christmas Is My Own Spike Strip,
So I Could Bring Joy and Peace to My 'Hood! 

 

1 comment:

Lurking Lurker said...

"Super Raised Ram 680 Turbo-Powered Super-Stroke Dominator Truck/Crisis in Self-Esteem"

I think it is the Ram 750, but good try!