Saturday, October 25, 2008

My Fabulous Inventions


I can only do so much. I supply the fabulous ideas. Others must carry through with the small details to bring these inventions to the public. Here are my first two. More to follow.

#1. URINE-A-GO-GO.
Our dog, Maddie, (pictured above) is around 14 years old. She's an old dog who walks at an old-dog pace. Near the end of the walk route, it's pretty torturous. We are talking S L O W. I have, at times considered calling Dan to come in the car and get us. However, when Maddie sees or smells another dog, she takes off, all fatigue and age forgotten and she goes at a good clip. We can get a whole half block or so out of, say a Cocker Spaniel, but the real amphetamine of the dog walk is a couple of German Shepherds. That's GOLD! We can get a full block and a half before she collapses again. However! With "Urine A-Go-Go" we hold the power in our hands! That's right. We bottle dog urine (not your own dog's--stay with me here) in catsup-type bottles so that when the going gets slow, one quick squirt on the street in front of the dog gets said dog going again. Think about it, people! We HAVE the factories in our own homes!

#2. THE PLEASURE PLACEMENT SYSTEM.
Is your mobile phone once again missing from its cradle? Do you love to bake but hate putting away the flour and sugar canisters after the job is done? Is your phone book still out from that number you had to look up two years ago? Well, you're not alone. Let's face it: putting away things can be a drag and really, what's in it for you? Now there's a reason to be organized. With the Pleasure Placement System, you'll be eager to do those odious putting away/putting back chores. The system comes with discs that cling together like magnets until you separate them, placing one on the item and one on the place you want the item returned to. When the discs meet, the person replacing the item is given a blissful burst of pleasure, radiating throughout the body. That's right. You''ll receive a shudder of delight each and every time* you do what you should be doing anyway. Imagine looking forward to putting the garden tools back where they belong! Putting the laundry basket never felt SO GOOD! "Say, honey, what do you say I bring in the trash tomorrow morning?" Available in children's strength too. Soon you'll be hearing, "No, Mommy! It's MY turn to put the giant plastic toys away. He got to do it yesterday!" Oh yes, The Pleasure Placement System WILL change lives.

*Since the potential for abuse is great, the PPS system is designed to deliver the burst of pleasure only once every thirty minutes per device. Sorry, people. You'll need to pace yourselves.

4 comments:

Susan said...

I need PPS! However this once every thirty minutes would never work in my house. It would have to be every five minutes! BB, you are the new Erma Bombeck-- but even better!

pretzel0901 said...

maddie looks so young in that picture! it must be her haircut. i loved reading about your invention. it brought back many memories of walking maddie and waiting for her to get up so we could finish the walk!
-alyssa

Karen Llata said...

Nice picture of Maddie. It just doesn't seem quite like her without hearing the sounds of her lovely voice greeting me at the front door!

Caffeine Court said...

You are a GENIUS!!! Oh and I love your dog. My lab is 11 and she is slowing down, but just like Maddie, if she is out for a walk and sees another dog WATCH OUT!! She could drag me a full mile.